Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 7, 2007, at 18:57:52
In reply to Completely wrung out (long) **trigger**, posted by Racer on May 6, 2007, at 21:25:44
> So, all those things, all the things that now I can see were wrong of her to accuse me of, all those things that have been deeply part of my self-image for the past forty years, all of those things that I am so ashamed of being -- now I have to pull those out and look at them. And it's going to hurt and it's going to hurt a lot.
>
> Every time I try to look at them, I can say a little bit that it's not true, or that it doesn't matter if it's true or not, because it's not fundamentally bad anyway; but mostly I start to say that it's not true -- and then that little internal whisper comes up: 'except that it *is* true, and you *are* horrid. Better make sure no one ever finds out how awful you really are, because otherwise NO ONE will ever like you, and no one will ever, ever love you.' I can't quite get away from the sense that, when my T says I'm not "bad," she's only saying it because she doesn't know what I'm really like underneath. It just feels as though I have that much more to be ashamed of -- "I'm successfully lying to my T about how bad I am."
>
> So, I know that I can't be the only one to struggle with this sort of thing. Has anyone here gotten through to the other side? Has anything helped on the way through it?
>
> Thanks.Racer,
I don't know the particulars of your situation, but I have been going through some of the same thought processes. I guess what "clicked" for me is that I had been protecting my mom for so long, and it came so naturally to me that when it was time to face HER role in my abusive past that I was worried I would destroy her.I recently took mom to a session with me. It lasted 2 hours. She came to visit me extra for this session. I wanted to make sure she was in therapy herself first, and my T understood- that underneath her pollyanna "everything is fine in MY family" lay a very brittle and delicate person whose defense mechanisms ran as deep as her soul itself.
But something about my mom's situation told me that she was ready for this step. She, like myself has been able to finally escape the abuser and regain power. Now it's up to both of us to regain the power to rip those experiences out of our self-schemas.
My session with mom was extremely intense. I was asked to read many examples of abuse on other's part and mom's role in allowing/facilitating/failing to protect me from.. the bad stuff.
And for many, many years it went on. My entire childhood and adolescence I had to fend for myself, pretty much. That part of me knows how to protect myself, at least from known dangers. It's also hard to know what's dangerous though?
Is your mom still dangerous to you in real life? has she regained a position of power recently, and that's why you are internalizing and defending your childhood? Is there a new person in your life and you are experiencing maternal transference?
non-linearity. it's a process. I'm sick to DEATH of hearing that I can't feel better TODAY. this instant.
ho hum. and on we go.
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:756419
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/756606.html