Posted by muffled on May 7, 2007, at 12:18:36
In reply to Completely wrung out (long) **trigger**, posted by Racer on May 6, 2007, at 21:25:44
> OK, I used to be able to say that I had been abused as a child. Now, though, for some reason, I can't seem to fit that into my self-image -- there's a lot of "oh, I said I was abused, but it really wasn't so bad, and my mom tried her best, and other people have had it much worse than I ever did," and all those sorts of things. A lot of "but I was over-reacting, I was too sensitive, I was too self-centered," etc. Now I'm having to face up to how bad it really was, and do it at a point when I'm getting along with my mother -- and still pathetically desperate for her love and approval. It's very, very difficult.**My childhood was positively perfect....cept I can't remember it! But my sisters say it wasn't so bad....
So I dunno. I don't care bout my Mom...I feel kinda bad bout that.
>
> Part of the difficulty is in turning the focus away from what I feel now, and what I remember of what I felt then, in favor of empathy and compassion for my mother. I can't say, "Mom really messed up, those things were abusive and it was bad of her to do those things TO ME, and I'm angry about it." I start to say that I am not at fault for what happened, and then I get into defending my mother. And feeling for my mother, instead of feeling for myself. And it's so frightening, the pain and grief, and the sense that I can't let go of wanting to be good enough for Mommy to love me. Because all of that need is long past -- that Mommy can't ever love me, because it was long ago and we're both different people now. So, I will have to grieve for what I didn't get and never wioll get.**Can you acess the feelings etc of your inner kid? Can you focus on them, get into that 'mode' as it were? Let yourself go back to it, forget the adult stuff for a bit? I am a little split, so its easier for me to actaully do(but not pleasant), but being able to get right into that state and let it flow is good. But thats where safety is SO important, cuz if you don't feel safe, it won't happen...
I have always defended my Mom. She was burned out. I think she proly got mental issues. Tried to get my Dad to get her to a T, but no go. I wonder if you, like me, feel deeply. My T says I do apparently. So my swings of feeling are more intense, and last longer than average, which makes it hard. I am a Mom now, and I can see it in one of my kids, its hard...
>
> The other part, though, which is also hard for me -- maybe even harder -- is looking at the things she said to me, the things she said about me, and ripping them out of my self-image. Yes, I can be self-centered -- but that isn't necessarily the core of my personality, and it's not even necessarily a bad thing. More importantly, though, it's APPROPRIATE for a five year old to be pretty self-centered! That's part of being a child. Mother screaming at me that I was bad because I was so self-centered was the part that wasn't appropriate.**Good gravy kids are totally self centered, they SUPPOSED to be. They gradually outgrow it to varying degrees as they mature. I think my son will always be somewhat self centered, but I may be wrong...
>
> I'm nearly having a full blown anxiety attack just typing this, by the way. After all, it's BAD for me to say that I'm not fundamentally horrid.**Yeah, I thot I was a leper, oozing badness everywhere I went. I thot deep inside that I am evil. I MOSTLY dealt with that fallacy, but I guess it still haunts me. We worked thru it by taking the untrue thots I had and restating them to something that was more true. It was a sucky process, but it did help eventually.
>
> So, all those things, all the things that now I can see were wrong of her to accuse me of, all those things that have been deeply part of my self-image for the past forty years, all of those things that I am so ashamed of being -- now I have to pull those out and look at them. And it's going to hurt and it's going to hurt a lot.**Yup T sucks, but I can tell you, while I still have my times of doubt, it feels DAMN GOOD to dump some of that sh*t from outta my head. Has made a huge difference to how I feel in this world. Huge. So I would say, bring out all your self care strategies, and go to it. It don't neccessarily auto mean your Mom is bad, she just did what she knew. Thats all. And they lies and they dragging you down. Dump them.
>
> Every time I try to look at them, I can say a little bit that it's not true, or that it doesn't matter if it's true or not, because it's not fundamentally bad anyway; but mostly I start to say that it's not true -- and then that little internal whisper comes up: 'except that it *is* true, and you *are* horrid. Better make sure no one ever finds out how awful you really are, because otherwise NO ONE will ever like you, and no one will ever, ever love you.' I can't quite get away from the sense that, when my T says I'm not "bad," she's only saying it because she doesn't know what I'm really like underneath. It just feels as though I have that much more to be ashamed of -- "I'm successfully lying to my T about how bad I am."**OH MAN!! That is so EXACTLY what I am doing to myself right now. But I think at this time it is more a fear response and fall back cuz I am scared right now.O DO know really, that I am not a leper...
We all are human, we all screw up. That don't mean we 'bad' or 'evil'.
Does your T take time to make sure you feel 'safe', that helps me alot.
>
> So, I know that I can't be the only one to struggle with this sort of thing. Has anyone here gotten through to the other side? Has anything helped on the way through it?**So yeah. I still struggle w/this stuff. Less so now though. Its awful strong to get thru though. But its doable.
So I would say self soothe strategies need to be in place. Safety in T needs to be addressed. Just take extra special care of yourself Racer.
BTW, I dunno, I seem to have sort of disconnected from my Mom. Dunno? I just know I don't really give a crap bout what she thinks of me. I guess i just pity her, cuz I know she loves me in her way, I never felt she didn't love me, she just a screwed up person. I think she did the best that she was able to do. I don't think she consciously tried to hurt us. So yeah, just I feel sorry for her is all. Guess i pretty damn lucky NOT to have this "Mom stuff" that is so common. Though it makes me feel a tad weird that I don't. Oh well.
Take care Racer. You can do this. And it DOES feel SO much better in the end. A real load off the psyche. Dumping that baggage is anoither big step towards being free at last.
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:756419
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/756510.html