Posted by Racer on May 6, 2007, at 21:25:44
My last session was very difficult. We talked about some things that are so deeply buried I have never been able to admit them to anyone, just keep them inside and hope no one can see them. It started a number of ickinesses going for me, which is what I'm about to post about...
The trigger is about child abuse. If that's a problem for you, please consider whether to read further.
OK, I used to be able to say that I had been abused as a child. Now, though, for some reason, I can't seem to fit that into my self-image -- there's a lot of "oh, I said I was abused, but it really wasn't so bad, and my mom tried her best, and other people have had it much worse than I ever did," and all those sorts of things. A lot of "but I was over-reacting, I was too sensitive, I was too self-centered," etc. Now I'm having to face up to how bad it really was, and do it at a point when I'm getting along with my mother -- and still pathetically desperate for her love and approval. It's very, very difficult.
Part of the difficulty is in turning the focus away from what I feel now, and what I remember of what I felt then, in favor of empathy and compassion for my mother. I can't say, "Mom really messed up, those things were abusive and it was bad of her to do those things TO ME, and I'm angry about it." I start to say that I am not at fault for what happened, and then I get into defending my mother. And feeling for my mother, instead of feeling for myself. And it's so frightening, the pain and grief, and the sense that I can't let go of wanting to be good enough for Mommy to love me. Because all of that need is long past -- that Mommy can't ever love me, because it was long ago and we're both different people now. So, I will have to grieve for what I didn't get and never wioll get.
The other part, though, which is also hard for me -- maybe even harder -- is looking at the things she said to me, the things she said about me, and ripping them out of my self-image. Yes, I can be self-centered -- but that isn't necessarily the core of my personality, and it's not even necessarily a bad thing. More importantly, though, it's APPROPRIATE for a five year old to be pretty self-centered! That's part of being a child. Mother screaming at me that I was bad because I was so self-centered was the part that wasn't appropriate.
I'm nearly having a full blown anxiety attack just typing this, by the way. After all, it's BAD for me to say that I'm not fundamentally horrid.
So, all those things, all the things that now I can see were wrong of her to accuse me of, all those things that have been deeply part of my self-image for the past forty years, all of those things that I am so ashamed of being -- now I have to pull those out and look at them. And it's going to hurt and it's going to hurt a lot.
Every time I try to look at them, I can say a little bit that it's not true, or that it doesn't matter if it's true or not, because it's not fundamentally bad anyway; but mostly I start to say that it's not true -- and then that little internal whisper comes up: 'except that it *is* true, and you *are* horrid. Better make sure no one ever finds out how awful you really are, because otherwise NO ONE will ever like you, and no one will ever, ever love you.' I can't quite get away from the sense that, when my T says I'm not "bad," she's only saying it because she doesn't know what I'm really like underneath. It just feels as though I have that much more to be ashamed of -- "I'm successfully lying to my T about how bad I am."
So, I know that I can't be the only one to struggle with this sort of thing. Has anyone here gotten through to the other side? Has anything helped on the way through it?
Thanks.
poster:Racer
thread:756419
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/756419.html