Posted by Daisym on May 7, 2007, at 0:23:16
In reply to Completely wrung out (long) **trigger**, posted by Racer on May 6, 2007, at 21:25:44
I can't say I'm even close to getting to the other side of it. But I have some thoughts, for what they are worth.
I think you are confronting these really hard things right now because you HAVE to. So as much as you want to turn all this away and have empathy for your mom, you first have to see it for what it is, and how hurtful it was. You have to exorcise the pieces of your mom that have been interjected into you because you want to be a different kind of a mom. The truth is that these things she told you about yourself -- are the worst parts of her. Coldly look at it -- self-centered, over-reacting, too sensitive -- do you see her? She gave you all her bad parts of hold because she couldn't stand to see them in herself.
This doesn't make it any easier to stop wanting her unconditional love and acceptance. All kids want this from their moms. I sure do. I want her to like ME, not the me she wants me to be. And I try so hard to be HER...but I'll never do it as well...and then despair sets in. It might be long past, but it is every bit as real and painful right now.
Grief is exactly the right word. And that stinks because I believe there is nothing more painful than this. Letting go of the wish that one day your mom will suddenly be different is not done easily or over night. But eventually, you can let go. You are already starting to do that.
And then you build on what you have. You have a relationship with her, you just have to allow it to evolve into something more honest, with more emotional armor for you. Her declarations of who or what you were/are will hurt less, because you will know inside yourself that you are a good person, and you are loveable.
I tell my therapist all the time that he just doesn't know how awful I really am. So he tells me to tell him. And everytime I tell him something else, something new, he points out why it makes sense that I would do such a thing. Or he helps me see the source -- and why it isn't true. That doesn't mean that I don't feel like you do - simply bad (otherwise how could all of this have happened and no one cared?) - but I can now entertain the idea that all this might not be my fault.
Try to ask yourself questions in reverse: Your husband is a good, smart man - why would he love someone who was bad? Your friends make pretty good choices - why would they choose to be friends with you if you were horribly self-centered? Your therapist is a pretty smart cookie, why wouldn't she want to work on "bad" parts instead of colluding with you to not see them?
I know this hard. Really hard. Try to stay with it but give yourself a break now and again too. Keep writing about it. It helps.
hugs,
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:756419
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/756443.html