Posted by gazo on April 14, 2007, at 9:21:25
In reply to Re: let's hear it for self-destruction!! ***trigg » gazo, posted by antigua on April 14, 2007, at 8:43:29
god...babble is a wonderful place.
do you have a dx?
i struggle with the dx sometimes. i went off meds for three years once. Accepting that i can be pulled around by an illness sucks.
i suppose it is trying to punish the pdoc in a way.. the thought for me is "... screw him. If he's going to be that way then i see no reason to believe whatever else he has to say..." It's like if he says soemthing that pisses me off i discount the rest of what he has to say too. He gave me a hard time about therapy.. don't think he meant to exactly but that was the result. It made me so mad.
you're right. It's not going to ruin his day if i don't take the meds.
i haven't gone off them. i've just been tapering down when i am supposed to be ramping up. He's trying to stop the cycling before it really takes off. Part of me just wants to give into it. i mean, damn... hypomania feels sooooo good. For those of you aren't BP.. imagine you could feel the best you could feel, and you loved every minute of everything. Food tastes better, colours are richer. It's hard to resist..
you said it exactly. Coping. Something takes over and it is trying in it's weird way to keep me alive. It's trying to protect me from the pain.
There is a crisis building in my life that i cannot escape. That is what is driving the behaviours. It's going to happen. i am working with my T to prepare for it as best i can.
thanks for believing me about the good stuff. It's true. My friends say i am very driven.. and i am. But that also means that i do everything with a big bang...including falling on my face.
i am comforted that you understand.. but i am sad that you do. It's not a thing i wish you had to know so well.
i have some hope that as i come to feel secure with my relationship with my T some of this pressure will subside. Right now i don't know if he will stick around or what.
thanks for being so thoughtful in your reply. It matters
poster:gazo
thread:749671
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/749724.html