Posted by gazo on April 14, 2007, at 0:06:21
it's 2am and i am just sobbering up...again. i left an important meeting today to go to the bathroom and fell asleep on the couch in the lounge. Fortunaetly it was a large meeting and i don't think anyone noticed i was missing. woohoo.. let's hear it for sucking!
didn't make it home from the office till 9pm and was drunk an hour later. yay!
i see my T monday.. last time i was drunk an hour after leaving his office. :o(
the pressure is getting to me.
i am struggling to do well...honest. i drink to stay alive frankly. It's not so smart but the lesser of evils.
i struggle a lot lately with suicidal thoughts... bad ones. worse than usual. My moods are everywhere... i am more unstable than i have been in years. i am pissed at my pdoc so i am not taking his advice. i am weaning off my meds instead... and no, that is not for attention. i am sick of him controlling me. Pulling that father figure crap.
every minute that i am not engaged in something i am trying to work out the details of my plan. i have some things i have no answers for and that stops me. i see fewer and fewer reasons to just fight this.
i am safe for now. i made a promise.
but i seem to be obsessed.
things are going horribly wrong it seems.
bipolar disorder sucks BTW. It robs me of my ability to make good decisions. I mean, i feel i am making the best choices i can but i have no way to know... and so i second guess everything i do.
my pdoc asked me if i was sleeping with random strangers and all i could say was "not yet."
if this is my life... if this is the true reality of who i am... then WHY would anyone choose it? why would anyone keep doing this?
i keep going. i stay alive. but i just don't know why anymore. with everything happening in my life right now my pdoc feels that meds can't really fix things... not to mention that his scripts are among the crap on my car floor.
what is the *real* reason to keep going? honest. i am not christian, so none of that eternal stuff means much for me.
anyone?
poster:gazo
thread:749671
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/749671.html