Posted by muffled on October 3, 2006, at 23:39:52
In reply to Re: Opening up » littleone, posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2006, at 5:43:42
> I'm sorry littleone. I guess... Opening up is about the scariest thing in the world for me :-(
***This is muffled, but I wanted to say that opening up is TERRIFYING. No doubt about it. I think that was why it was SO important that I trust my T. We went round and round and round, me testing her left and right.
But I think I can say now, that I trust her pretty much now.
And now talking to her isn't so terrifying, cuz I trust her not to ridicule me or puposely hurt me or be disgusted by me etc.
Well, mebbe it still totally freaks me, but now I can do it, where I couldn't before. Open up more I mean.>Couple of times when nurses were going on and on and on at me on the ward about causing my own distress and stuff. I felt like I started to go numb and shot out of my body from behind. I watched me lunge at the nurse and start hitting and yelling. Snapped back after getting jumped on by peoples. Curled up. Was mortified. Mortified. That happened a couple of times. I don't ever want that to happen again. It can't happen again. I'm serious. My emotions aren't safe.
***Thats is just a defense mechanism. Fight or flight. Those nurses went on at you, you couldn't get away, so you protected yourself. Stupid nurses got what they asked for and hopefully they learned something.
Then your final defense was freeze. And you curled up, cuz there was nothing left to do....
I remember asking my T NUMEROUS times if she was afraid of me. She would just calmly say 'should I be?', in a totally unafraid voice.
I fortunately don't think I'd ever jump my T. She knows I carry a knife most of the time.
I tend to lash out at inanimate objects mostly, or myself, or flight at all costs. I have been tackled. I have been put in restraints. I get scared sometimes, that mebbe I'd hurt my T, but somehow in reality I don't think I ever would.
I think if you are very honest with your T about how you feel bout your intense emotions and the fear you have of losing control, then the T can take some very basic protective measures. For BOTH of your guys comfort.
Like T sitting closer to the door, and/or panic button, if need be she could sit in a chair she can easily jump out from. Mebbe putting a table btwn. you. I dunno. It could be only temporary, so you could feel better bout being safe to express your emotions. And mebbe give T the opprtunity to help you learn to calm yourself at these times. And then once you've conquered that, mebbe you can deal with what sets you off in the first place etc. etc.
Yep, think that might be a good first step.
Easy to say when its not ME.
Anyhow, I NEVER woulda thot I'd have gotten as far as I have w/my T, but I have.
So if your T isn't willing to make a safe environment for you, or is too fearful, well, mebbe she isn't the T for you.....
But mebbe if you lay your cards on the table she will try?
Idunno.
But T needs to be safe before you can open up. Whatever needs to be done so you don't got to be afraid.
Take care,
Muffled(aka missknowitall)
poster:muffled
thread:689710
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/691686.html