Posted by muffled on October 3, 2006, at 23:14:30
In reply to Re: Do you believe this? » muffled, posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2006, at 5:02:12
> > ***I think its part of our culture to hide emotions too much....
>
> Well...
> They found that people in American culture tend to be expressive.
> In Japanese culture, however, there would be a brief flash of emotion and then it would be masked. The brief flash was enough to reliably signal to others what emotion the person was experiencing. It is typically thought that American culture is one of the most expressive cultures...***LOL. I'm canadian, I think we must be known for hiding stuff...
> There is stuff on game theory, though. About barganing ability and the like. Being able to conceal fear and the like so as to be a more effective bargainer. I wish I had more emotional control. I wish. I wish. I feel like... I wear my heart on my sleeve much of the time. I hate that. I feel... Naked. How much better to feel numb.
***Maybe it could be rephrased to, you are genuine, you are real. Mebbe its not the nicest to hide stuff and be an effective bargainer, maybe its good to be honest and real.
> > ***And did you guys talk about that? About the fact you felt she looked surprized?
>
> No. Surprise... Aversion... Slight... Fear? Concern? Concern that it would happen again. She changed the topic. I really don't think... That she thinks it is a good thing when I express emotion. I try and... Be calm. A little numb. Calm. To talk calmly. To express upset with a tear or two but that is all. To not startle. I hate me :-(***Ahhhhhhhhhh, see there's alot surrounding that small flash of 'surprize'.
I don't hate you.
Emotional control is good generally speaking, but if you got stuff to deal with, then mebbe those emots need to come around or at least be talked about, so that thwey can be dealt with...
(I talk SUCH a good line eh? Me the non expresser of emots at therapy . LOL!!!)>
> > I think you CAN be very intense. Sometimes our greatest gifts are our hardest challenges. I think your intensity is a gift, you just goto get a handle on it, cuz its a powerful gift. You could do lots of good things with your intensity...
>
> (((Muffled)))
> I don't think so. I think that is how I'm damaged.
> And it is there... For all to see. Not hard to figure me out.
> My supervisor said something about 'and you don't exactly treat your body as a temple'. I ignored him. But he is right. And it isn't exactly confidential information, I suppose. Munted fingernails... Anxious habits... Scars... F*cked up legs... And wearing my emotions on my sleeve :-( I hate being embodied :-(***Your supervisor should go f*ck himself. I suppose he treats his body as a temple???? Never drinks, smokes, eats junk food, overdoes things etc, etc.
MOST people don't treat their body as a temple.
We all have our stuff we do.
Mebbe some more than others, but your surely not alone.
>
>
> > I wonder if you are very adroitly sidestepping and redirecting conversation when it gets too close to where you don't want to go..... I dunno.
>
> I'm scared muffled. Scared. Numb. Scared. Numb. Numb. Numb. I don't feel anything. I DON'T. I don't know what to do... I can't think sometimes. Can't think. I hate feeling like that. In therapy sometimes. Can't understand. Can't follow. Can't... I don't know.***I think it may be a dissociative defense mechanism brought on by stress. Anxiety reduces memory capacity. You keep numbing cuz you scared. Don't I know. I do it too. Oftentimes in my journal I have written 'I don't even feel human, I am quasi human' and the like.
If you can relax and come to trust your T (took me over 1 1/2 yr.-and she bent over backwards to get me to trust her), then you won't get so confused.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the biggest idiot on earth cuz I don't understand the most simple, understandable relational type stuff.
>
> > ***But Alex you ARE kind. Its like I always trust that you are genuine in your caring, that no matter how involved in a debate etc you get, you will always come down to baseline and be very careful to apologise and make sure you have hurt noone. I have seen this again and again. I think feisty is GOOD. You are feisty AND very caring.
>
> ((((((((((muffled)))))))))))
> Sometimes I'm not kind muffled :-( Sometimes I'm not. But I feel really privaledged that you trust me. I hope I never hurt you muffled.
>
You proly will hurt me, and it will be ok, cuz I trust you. I will trust that we can work it out.
Its the human condition to hurt people. Everybody hurts people. We don't mean to, but it happens.
Sometimes I'm not kind either. Sometimes I have awful thots.
Or derive satifaction from someone elses discomfiture, cuz i think they desrve it or something. Or I gossip, or I am selfish etc, etc.
We not perfect.
We are works in progress.
Slowly, slowly, getting better.
Sometimes we fall back, but we ever gaining.
We gonna be ok Alex.
Take care,
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:689710
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/691682.html