Posted by alexandra_k on October 5, 2006, at 19:40:53
In reply to Re: projective identification, posted by Declan on October 5, 2006, at 10:00:38
> That was as good a description as I have read of it.
> Very familiar.yeah. i didn't know what it was before.
i feel... bad about this... i feel bad about this. i feel arrogant and then i feel ashamed. but... this seems to describe what is going on in my therapy:> This inequality might make the therapist feel insecure and, therefore, it will impair her work. If she does not notice or appreciate this difference, the patient certainly will. He might experience something similar to what one experiences when the image of a much-respected dear friend is shattered inside oneself. He might then feel pity or contempt for the therapist. Such feelings, based on the correct assessment of the situation, will damage the therapeutic relationship and render the work ineffectual or impossible.
except... how are you supposed to feel 'when the image of a much-respected dear friend is shattered inside oneself'? like i killed it? is that the idea?
i feel a bit like that...
but those are bad thoughts...
i think... that i do struggle with finding a clinician i get along with. why? because some of them aren't willing to give me a chance. because they have seen my file / heard of me from others. because there was a time when... before DBT when... i didn't know how to make the bad feelings stop and i guess i thought there was nothing i could do and they started to get frustrated that i wasn't getting any better. so i was refusing to do the work, to help myself etc. blaming the victim. because of pressure on the public service. too many people too few clinicians too little time...
but then some people who would have been about perfect for me... wouldn't work with me. 'i'd love to work with you but if i were to do that i'd be doing what i wanted instead of doing my job. my job is to prescribe medication'. wouldn't work with me. or did for a time... then moved on.
and then people who are so well intentioned. so very well intentioned. caring. lovely people. genuine lovely people. and i can't connect with them. because... they don't off balance me. they don't understand me. because... i'm smarter than them. i feel bad saying that. because they don't off balance me i just go from defence to defence to defence and i don't seem to be able to break out of that by myself. it isn't working. it isn't going to work. and that is why.
but i can't say that. not in one million years. i have been thinking it for a while... but i'd never say that. to say it to think it makes me want to hurt myself. for my arrogance. i know i can be an arrogant sh*t at times and it is something i hate about myself. i wouldn't say it... even though... i think she knows. i think she knows what it is. i think she knows what is wrong. sometimes... she doesn't understand because she feels insecure about herself. i feel insecure when she feels insecure. i want to reassure her because she is such a lovely person.
i don't think thi sis just a defence.
i know when it is a defence (in a bit of hindsight anyway)
it has been a while that i've been trying to get through this.
it isn't working.i remember the interview with her supervisor. she was nice too. nice and compassionate and stuff. followed my implications... saw what i was getting at. my current t doesn't understand those. she seemed to have a bit of a... stubborn streak. or something. some kind of inner strength. like she wouldn't be afraid to challenge or call me on my sh*t. it might work with her.
the online thing said that... session 5 seemed to be crucial. in terms of indicating how things were likely to go.
it would be nice if there was an assessment session at session 5 so they could look at whether it is working or not.
i probably shouldn't beat myself up so much about this. the particular kind of intelligence i'm talking about is one thing, being a f*cking decent human being who is kind and stuff can be quite another. i don't look down on her. i really don't think i do. but i can't think of her as my t. she is just a really nice lady who i go and talk to sometimes.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:689710
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/692185.html