Posted by muffled on September 5, 2006, at 0:37:26
In reply to Re: me's » muffled, posted by ElaineM on September 4, 2006, at 20:48:28
> >>>And nothing makes sense. And you forget lots of stuff. And some stuff you completely miss.
>
> That happens alot. It sounds like you understand my head a little. Usually though, I not only don't know where my emotions come from, I don't recognize having them in the first place. I am blank alot of the time. I have some happy memories from when I was a child (it was not ALL only bad, my grandparents we godsends), but I stopped feeling anything that resembled happiness or enjoyment, certainly pleasure, a long time ago. I tend to only register sadness and fear.***I lost my emotions for awhile too. I remember looking out the window and wondering, when was the last time I laughed, or cried, or was happy. Everything Ishowed to the world was a put on show. To try and appear as if I was normal , when I knew I wasn't...
Yeah, I used to get SOOOOOOOOOOOO scared, cuz I'd get this choking feeling in my throat, and I would be afraid to go to sleep, cuz I was afraid it would get worse, and I'd run out of air completely before I could summon some help, and they would find me dead. It turns out that the choking feeling was sadness. I didn't figger it out until many years later...
I was afraid to be happy. Cuz when you get happy you get hurt....or so I thot. I now have figgered thats another wrong thing I thot.
It does sound like you may be dissociative. And there's nothing wrong with that. It can be frustrating cuz of the blanks, but it does help at times. And eventually as things getr better you will blank less.
>
> I really only very recently learned to turn myself on again enough to recognize that I can have caring feelings for others -- and that some people are good, and worthy of being cared for. It took me almost three years straight of basically living with LadyT and the other Staff to realize that they were dear to me. The hard thing is that it turned on my ability to not only recognize pain in myself, but also in others. And I find empathy absolutely overwhelming. For me, seeing pain in others hurts even more than when its only within me. I guess cause I think I'm bad a worhty of suffering, but others are good and deserve comfort.***I too had the problem of caring bout others and stressing myself out. My T has been trying to explain to me as how you can 'come alongside' someone in their pain. But you don't take on their pain, cuz that don't help them any, and hurts yourself.
I STILL have a problem with letting anyone close to me.
You have many wrong words playing in your head.
Can you say NO!!! to the ones you recognize as possibly untrue and unkind to yourself?
Sometimes writing down the stuff you say to yourself, and then refuting it on paper helps(in small doses!).
>
> So when I'm confronted with someone talking about Love I'm almost panicky. I have no point of reference. I don't understand. It's like someone speaking gibberish and expecting you to say something insightful and heartfelt back, when I don't even get what the h*ll is being said.***Yeah, THAT word. The L-word. Had a lotta probs with that too. think lotsa people do. Its a very problematic word.
>
> I don't really know why I'm saying all this. But don't feel like you don't help enough. You are precious and I wish I could respond better to you. I wish my mind was not so confused. I wish my heart was understandable. I wish my past was more normal. I wish my words made more sense, and flowed easier. But I'm thankful for you and support. always.***Don't worry bout me. Typing this stuff to you reinforces it to myownself.
You respond just fine. I thank you for keeping in touch.
I think your words are fine. How can you write coherant words when you can scarcely form a coherant thot?
I wonder if some meds to slow things down for you and give you a bit of a break might help?
The latest thing round here seems to be seroquel. I've heard good stuff bout it. Helps people to think more clearly, reduces anxiety.
If you are feeling really desparate, is there any chance you could admit yourself(always better to self admit than to be comitted),to hosp. to get stabilized? I dunno what hosps. are like in your area. seems to vary quite a bit.
See, you don't strike me at all as a seriously disturbed person, just a person who needs some help and stabilization to get thru this rough patch at this time.
I hope you are more successful with the new T, or whatever happens.
Keep plugging away. The system sucks where I am. But you just goto try and get the right person to help you.
You can find another good T.
I don't think you need to say bout who present T is.
Just the situation is all. And how you feel bout it and stuff.
I think you been doing very well.
Honestly.
Its a tough situ. your in.
And please do give us the honor of sharing your burden just alittle bit.
Because you ARE worthy El.
Really.
And don't let the nasty voice say otherwise, or I gonna have to come and kick Nastys *ss. Cuz El is OK. Nastyvoice is just plain nasty and dishonest.
Take care El.
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:682157
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/683212.html