Posted by ElaineM on September 4, 2006, at 20:48:28
In reply to Re: me's » ElaineM, posted by muffled on September 3, 2006, at 18:29:07
>>>And nothing makes sense. And you forget lots of stuff. And some stuff you completely miss.
That happens alot. It sounds like you understand my head a little. Usually though, I not only don't know where my emotions come from, I don't recognize having them in the first place. I am blank alot of the time. I have some happy memories from when I was a child (it was not ALL only bad, my grandparents we godsends), but I stopped feeling anything that resembled happiness or enjoyment, certainly pleasure, a long time ago. I tend to only register sadness and fear.
I really only very recently learned to turn myself on again enough to recognize that I can have caring feelings for others -- and that some people are good, and worthy of being cared for. It took me almost three years straight of basically living with LadyT and the other Staff to realize that they were dear to me. The hard thing is that it turned on my ability to not only recognize pain in myself, but also in others. And I find empathy absolutely overwhelming. For me, seeing pain in others hurts even more than when its only within me. I guess cause I think I'm bad a worhty of suffering, but others are good and deserve comfort.
So when I'm confronted with someone talking about Love I'm almost panicky. I have no point of reference. I don't understand. It's like someone speaking gibberish and expecting you to say something insightful and heartfelt back, when I don't even get what the h*ll is being said.
I don't really know why I'm saying all this. But don't feel like you don't help enough. You are precious and I wish I could respond better to you. I wish my mind was not so confused. I wish my heart was understandable. I wish my past was more normal. I wish my words made more sense, and flowed easier. But I'm thankful for you and support. always.
b-love, EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:682157
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/683156.html