Posted by ElaineM on August 28, 2006, at 20:17:52
In reply to Me love you too Elaine. Love, lurps (nm), posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 19:12:08
happy, annie, sunny, tamar, lurp -- you guys are so nice. You make me braver.
I'm so exhausted from yesterday AND today. After I made my last post last night, I decided that I would email the counsellor before I went to bed, while I was still really worked up, so I wouldn't chicken out. So I did. I must've sounded crazy. It's embarassing to read now cause it sounds like I was still posting on here. Like, I said sorry to the poor woman a bunch of times. Told her that she didn't HAVE to respond if she didn't want to. (so dumb, It's not like it's even about her wanting or not wanting) I told her to forgive me cause I was nervous and that I was probably being silly. I was sooo afraid to send it. ANd when I checked this morning this was waiting, titled "Autoreply":
Your message has been filed for future reading.
I am out of the office due to family emergency. Please call the front desk for immediate assistance at #. You can also call the 24 hour ********* Rape Crisis centre at #. I will return messages when I am able.
Sorry for any inconvenience.I read it like a hundred times thinking it must be a mistake -- I wanted to scream "Are you kidding me". I was really upset and thought, This is a sign, just like before, I'm just not supposed to do this. And I got ready to go and see my T to see if I could fix stuff, or have him yell, or whatever he was going to do. But then I checked my mail once more closer to lunchtime to read help from you all, and the woman had sent a real reply. So, I guess her emergency was before the weekend. She was really nice sounding and said she understood that I'd be scared to speak in person, especially if I had been turned away from there before (she works in the first place, where the guy said that they didn't deal with problems like mine). She said that she could only see me once (because I'm not a registered student since I've graduated) but that maybe we could figure out something else for me. So she offered me a bunch of times to pick from and said she'd get back to confirm. I didn't hear from her yet about the confirmation. But I asked for Friday. The other day was on Sept7th and that seemed too far away.
I'm scared to go back there, but I'm scared all the time. She was a nice lady too. She even said that just because I wasn't physically or sexually assaulted doesn't mean that I don't deserve to speak to someone. The only thing I didn't do (and I feel really guilty about it) was warn her that the person I'd be talking about is my T. I've learned that other professionals are very uncomfortable with the subject. As soon as I mentioned it to the Psych Services pdoc she ended the intake interview right away. I don't have much options now, but I'm afraid to be letdown again.
I did go to my session too. I was shaking when I came in. He didn't even ask for an update like he usually does. He gave me a five page print out -- he read it outloud as I followed along. He told me that he's concerned that I've made the sessions mirror my regular life where nothing gets done, and I don't try, and only bide my time existing. And he kept on about how I must give an answer, even though I was. I was explaining that I didn't know what to say, that I was confused and afraid, but he couldn't get it. He kept saying I wasn't answering. And he wrote alot about how he doesn't like feeling that he has to "entertain me" during sessions. He was upset that I don't come with my journal to read to him anymore and that by not bringing him my writing I'm throwing away my responsibility to create sessions. He said there were three of us in this relationship: him, me and my anxiety. And that I let anxiety control us. I need to do more and he spoke of using alcohol and ativan to silence Anxiety so WE could do what we wanted together. He said that even though I've said that I only want to be pleasing, that I still don't follow through with what he says he wants us to do -- like movies and theater and sailing. Mainly he kept saying how uncomfortable I've made him, that his expression of love was a "cry for help" for me to give him more connection to make him feel better inside.
I just kept trying to explain myself. I told him that he was being unfair by putting me incharge of everything. I was super scared but I said it. I said that I was supposed to be dysfunctional, that HE was the doctor. I didn't say it mean though -- kinda quietly. He was a bit upset and said that he can't help having the same character flaws as me -- like too much sensitivity, and anxiety. It's true -- he's a human too.
I'm not as scared right now. He only held my hand the whole time and pet my arms. Which I guess is okay. Not really, but better than something worse. I don't know how to structure my sessions. What do regular people talk about? He said I made him change his way of being, but now I'm drawing back, and it makes him antsy when we meet. I don't know, I'm tired. I don't want to ever be so scared again.
I love you guys, I need you so much. I hope the Counsellor gives me the Friday appointment. I miss my LadyDoctor so much. (((((everyone))))))
EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:680627
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/680981.html