Posted by muffled on August 29, 2006, at 11:01:14
In reply to I heard from her., posted by ElaineM on August 29, 2006, at 9:43:11
> I just heard from the woman and she said I can come on Friday -- it's right after my T appointment (which I have to go to. I just do) She said she doesn't like that I'm not really a student anymore, but she can't turn people away (that's why she said she'll see me at least once). I don't think she can turn anyone away - even someone off the street who's never been in the school, I think she must try and at least connect them to the appropriate resources. I wish soooo much that I had the money to buy more school. I could stay with this woman AND get to keep LadyDoctor (who I miss so much it feels like lead in my stomach). I want safe people who don't hate me in my life :-( I am glad that I didn't take T's money cause it would take me forever to pay back, but I wish I had it from somewhere else.
***Whoooah! One step at a time :-)
Glad you have found a caring person!
Hopefully she'll be able to connect you with someone who is good.
You do need some decent help to get yourself organized.
You, not surprizingly given your history, have some distorted thots bout yourself. I only say this from my own personal actaul experience.
I used to think I was a leper and infected others too.
That there was bad in me and I wanted to tear it out.
But I don't anymore! Not mostly anyhow.
Its an awfully nice thing.>
> I'm going to do a group answer and group hug
> ((((((((((((((((((Falls, Sunny, Caraher, Frida[nice to meet you :-)], Muffly, Lurp))))))))))))))))))))***THANKS ((((EL))))
>
> I think that my T wanted me to drink more because that's the way I was in the past -- before I was concerned that alcoholic drinks were calories. I drank to deaden the anxiety a little,***A huge amt. of people 'self-medicate' with alcohol.
Mebbe better to find the right medication. Cuz for some reason alcohol seems to go wrong so often. Its not good as a medication really IMHO. (but then I am an alcoholic!!!)
(a DRY one)
> But to be fair, I don't think he meant for me to combine the two -- more like one or the other. He's wanted me on heavy doses of (and I'm gonna spell this wrong) sublingual ativan, but I told him I was already nervous taking T3's --***Sounds like you could use a good meds. person too.
Heavy doses of ativan seems a bit odd too? There are better non-addicting meds for anxiety.> I do tell him my worries. I told him that he has to forgive me because he's expecting me to change all my feelings, my entire way of thinking, in one week -- just because he announced his feelings. I said it wasn't fair. But I still say everything to him nicely -- I still care about him when I'm not afraid.
***Your amazing EL. Sometimes you let people walk on you, but these days you seems to have found a a streak of strength. good on ya!
That last sentence kinda fits old patterns. But I think you know that. So I say no more.
>
> I think I'm only resisting now because I feel that everything is about to blowup in my face. I feel like he's going to leave me first, and so I'm being pancky and deviant.***I think your resisting now, cuz the strong El thats inside you, isn't gonna take the sh*t no more. YES, the sh*t may well fly. But the strong El that has emerged WILL survive and be all the stronger.
But back up is good. Don't be afraid to keep looking for help from others.
Also, O wouldn't describe your behavior as deviant. Its just expected behavior given the circumstances.And incase I haven't sounded super-slutty already, I fear that I would've already acquiesed if this board wasn't part of my life. I don't think I would've thought twice -- my brain would've been like, Stop thinking, who cares, what's the point in deciding if something feels right or wrong. I mean, I still struggle with that every day. Already I'm wondering if I over-reacted.
***You are not slutty. I find you most UNSLUTTY.
I'd just say you as a little girl got all mixed up, and DESPITE that, you amazingly still obvo. have a strong morality inside.
Once again. You amaze me El.It hit me last night that I re-write stuff the exact same way as my parents (the way they are doing with my brother now). It's hard. I've been like this my whole life -- it is hard to turn off.
***Ah, good fodder for T sessions! YYou have some good insights.
I'm used to forgetting the past (most of it has erased anyways), not thinking of a future (because I don't feel I have one that will include anything but pain), and forgetting about the present the momment it happens. Like, you get hit...poof, It didn't happen, right? Don't worry, you're fine....[I don't think I'm explaining well]something like that anyways...oh well.
***Mebbe you dissociate. Kinda sucks until you get a handle on it. Then its not so bad.
Last T session I had, I COULDN'T dissociate, and I WANTED to. Go figger eh!
>
> I guess I'm just saying that it will be hard to go Friday. Aside from the fact that I let others control conversations so much that I end up getting confused about what I really thought, and wanted to say, myself. I'm so intimidated by T's and Pdocs and Physicians. But she was nice and I will show up.***Good for you, and your strong sense of self preservation, that has got you this far so far!
>
> I'm so glad that you are all helping me. And that you know bad stuff about me and still think I'm okay. I love you all.
> ((((((Babblers)))))))
>
***We ALL got our badshit, BELEIVE me. All humanity does.
But I think you are SO cool. If I was a T, I would find you a wonderful, interesting, and yes!, perhaps challenging at times, client ;-)((((El))))
Thanks for keeping us in the loop at this difficult time.
We DO care, and are thinking of you.
Sorry if this is a little dumb, but my IRL kids keep intrrupting.
Take care,
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:680627
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/681149.html