Posted by ElaineM on August 30, 2006, at 15:52:15
In reply to Re: I heard from her., posted by caraher on August 29, 2006, at 12:40:49
Thanks Peg, Muffly, and Caraher - you keep me on one path (as much as possible).
I feel like cr@p today -- sooo guilty. I got another letter today. He has no idea that any of this is happening. He thinks so much of me, he apoligized for putting me on the spot with that "scary" email. I'm going to ruin him. Regardless if he is a T, he is still a person, and I'm going to take all his good feelings and hurt him with them. I hate myself so much I can't stand it. He only wants me to know how real people relate and feel for each other. How can I take the only good feelings a real person has for me and throw them away like garbage - or as though I had an abundance of others who cared. How can do it? how.
I will go and see this woman cause she was nice enough to work out a time for me, but I think I'm done with T's. It was hard enough having my heart broken by leaving LadyT and Doc -- but even then I only came out feeling alone and sad. Only?! This time I feel evil on top of everything else - nevermind, even more alone than before. I HATE MYSELF. I wish I was gone. I keep preparing myself in my head about what Friday will be like, and I'm gonna be sitting there saying things that will hurt him, while he'll be somewhere else thinking loving thoughts. WHY! And today was the anniversary of a death in my family and he was so nice about it. He even asked me to read him the eulogy I wrote a year ago, and he said that I sounded like I definately loved this person. I did -- one of the few people in the world I'm sure that I actually loved, for real. I was so relieved to know that I could sound like that because I worry that I don't know what any kind of love is. And I was glad that he could tell just from my words. I get afraid when I don't think that my brain understands love -- only fear, sadness, and pain. I asked T how people can move on (like forget specific details and memories) and he said only by papering over the bad stuff with new good things, and new love. That's why my life is so full of despair! I don't have new people in my life, I only keep losing the family members I do have. I will never be able to forget then! I need more Grandpa's. It will always seem like yesterday. It will always be right behind my eye lids whenever they close! Ahhhhh. What will I do?
I'm sorry (for being like this and apoligizing all the time). I don't know what else to do. I've been crying all day. Everytime it stops, something reminds me again and I start all over. I do want someone to love me. I want love alot - I've had too long without! Why is it T? Does it matter. Why should I be so picky. Ugly girl. Stupid. Crazy. Others have been worse to me, and got more. Oh. Why is this happening? I can't take it. I want to email LadyT, but I don't want to kill her too. This woman Friday is going to think I'm an idiot. A stupid grown-up/child who acts like a baby. And I'm afraid of seeing the man at the desk again. I know he won't remember me cause it's been almost two months, but I'll remember him.
I feel so stupid. I hope I don't cry infront of her, cause tears are stupid and ugly like me. I don't want this to be happening like this. I am so confused -- I'm afraid and not, wanting to hide from and run to him, want someone to take me away and also be alone, and want someone to love me and also hurt me. I want to die. And on top of everything, I had a disgusting binge today and I've only ever had two in my life before (when I was in the 80 range). It's gross -- guess I'm definately (obviously) not anorexic anymore :-( I want someone to shoot me with a tranquilizer.
poster:ElaineM
thread:680627
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/681519.html