Posted by ElaineM on August 27, 2006, at 20:48:20
In reply to Re: meltdown (sooo long) **triggers » ElaineM, posted by LadyBug on August 27, 2006, at 20:14:03
Yes, i need someone else right now. But why did it have to change so terribly so quickly. Oh god. I want my LadyT!!! I NEED her. Why didn't that lady in June keep me? Why did she send me away?
GG: The pattern would be familiar to me, but not the context. No one was ever so genuinely nice first, and then switch so completely. Usually I expect the pattern going into a relationship, and then I can be okay with it. But T's have come to feel safe for me, and he only was kind and gentle before -- This switch feels like it's out of the blue. I didn't honestly expect this. and that's why I CAN'T stand it!
I feel so guilty doing this but this is some of what he said in the email he sent a little while ago: He said he wanted an adequate response back from me (about his declaration) and he said, "But then the uproar over your brother got in the way...", "And what I read there was probably the most non-comittal message i've ever got from you..." [okay I feel really bad quoting verbatim] And he said that I was Too cold like three times. And he said that I've told him that I am used to being a vehicle for others (and that I had begun to change him) but that I don't prove my willingness as an instrument that way. He said he held back confronting me about my silence and confussion because of what I've been going through, but that a few days is more than enough time. He said I have to come tomorrow with something to say -- that he will not let me stay quiet after having revealed so much himself. That "I [he] cannot do it." He then said sorry for leaning on me so much but I'm not handling this reasonably and that I've forced him to the point where he has to speak more aggressively. And he ended with eight lines of hugs with my name in the middle. I can't judge his frame of mind anymore.
I want someone else RIGHT NOW! But no T but him will like me. And his email is so hurtful to me.. I'm so frightened by it. It doesn't even sound like him. THis is just not the T from even two weeks ago. I don't understand. I hate myself, even if you guys don't. I must go because I missed Friday, and I think that's what pissed him off. I usually don't go more than a day or two between seeing him.
Thank you for saying that you don't think I'm gross after reading my post. I wish you all lived near me IRL. I can't stop shaking. I'm so afraid he's reading now. Though I'm sure he would've let on before. Now his name looks scary coming up in my Inbox -- even the subject lines that I know contain old lovely, "regular T" messages look scary. Should I send him one back tonight saying I'm frightened?
((((Sunny))))
((((Annierose))))
(((((GG))))))
((((LadyBug)))thank you for being with me when i'm so nervous and afraid.
poster:ElaineM
thread:680627
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/680665.html