Posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 3:18:59
Over the past few weeks somewhere I sank into a depression. At first it kind of came and went - it hit me in waves, so I figured it would go away. About 3 weeks ago it decided to stay.I have been fighting it. I listen to positive thinking tapes. I fight myself to get up and exercise, to eat nutritiously, to actually put makeup on - which I don't want to do, to sleep (see how well that's going?). I tried to make choices that would help me feel better, but I can't shake the depression.
I saw my T tonight, and he said I had choices and needed to make choices to get myself out of this. He said I was depressed, "brooding" and "morose".
He said that people would isolate from me in order to protect themselves from being hurt by my depression.
He said "Fake it till you make it".
He asked if I wanted to feel better.
He said maybe you're not ready to give it up.
Finally he said why don't you just keep the depression as long as you want it?
He had some good things in there to say, but overwhelmingly I felt as though I was a royal pain in the *ss. He said when he went home at the end of the day he was drained. I felt guilty for contributing to that.
I guess he's trying to challenge me, but now i'm afraid to go back to him becauase I felt beat up on. I can do plenty of that myself.
I went to my car and cried. I felt so much worse than when I went in there. I felt like he was saying you either choose to be happy or you choose to be unhappy, and you're choosing to be unhappy. I told him I can be doing something I enjoy, but inside I feel awful. It's like crying when you're laughing, but you really feel crushed inside.
I really like him, but he seemed so negative or insensitive. He is going through a difficult time right now so I want to cut him some slack.
fw
poster:fairywings
thread:601410
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/601410.html