Posted by daisym on December 1, 2005, at 0:46:22
In reply to Re: Unconscious Seduction - long » daisym, posted by annierose on November 30, 2005, at 17:14:34
****I know how painful those loving feelings can be in therapy (and mind you, I do see a female T). I think the only answer, is to keep the dialogue going. Talk and talk and talk until it feels settled, and that, I think, takes a long long time. You are much further along than I. I do feel I do share so much. Just not enough.
I agree with the talking part. I have wondered if I would feel the same way with a female therapist. I'm guessing the attachment and fear would be the same. You are moving at the pace you need to. Don't beat yourself up over it. The words will come eventually.
****I love your comment "It feels like a secret smile tucked inside my heart." I feel the same way. When I'm just walking to my car I can think of her and feel her mental hug around my shoulders.
I know it sounds weird, but I do feel this is how my daughter feels about me. I always try to experience these types of feelings as a child would feel about their mother.I don't think this is weird. The reason we gave my youngest a cell phone is because he needed a way to check in and make sure I was available if he needed me. We all need someone who makes us feel secure. I'm glad you have that with your therapist and I'm glad your daughter has it with you.
***What's interesting is at the same time you wrote you were missing him, you called to cancel a session. A part of you is conflicted, the adult Dasiy?
Yup - my therapist calls it a "titanic struggle." I think I can teach myself not to need him so much. I somehow decided this weekend that if I didn't see him so much I wouldn't miss him so much. Sort of like getting used to separation again. He reminded me that this has never worked for me, that I do better when I allow the contact and connection. Sort of like if I know I can call, I don't. And since there are conflicting feelings between age states, it gets really hard. Like, I think it is OK to call when I'm anxious and feeling sad. But I don't think it is OK to call when I'm "just" missing him. He wanted to know why not? I have no idea.***I have a hard time expressing these longing feelings because intellectually, I know I really don't want her to be my "real" friend. I really don't want to know ALL about her (why ruin my perfectly good illusion?). I just feel like I want to be closer to her. My T recently described these feelings as a "glorious love affair" but yet, it's so painfully hard. A real contradiction of sorts and my brain cannot figure it out.
Sometimes I think if I knew more about him I'd be able to overlay reality on these feelings better. He said he doubted it, I know enough about him already. And I run into his wife often enough, since she has the office next door. He actually talked about how hard that must be for me to "have it in your face" -- but I tried to explain that I'm not jealous of her, I'm jealous of them - what I imagine they have together. I want that in my life.
****Sorry Daisy, I'm not much help. I just know how parts of you are feeling right now.
You are lots of help. It helps to talk it through. It helps to know you are listening. And it really helps that you know that it feels good and bad at the same time.
poster:daisym
thread:583595
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051130/msgs/584032.html