Posted by daisym on November 12, 2005, at 17:38:30
In reply to Re: Knowing and not knowing... » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on November 12, 2005, at 10:55:39
Two questions:
Do you think this work would be different if you were working with a woman? (Or, Annie -- with a man?)My transference has been all over the map, mostly maternal/paternal but the past 6 months much more partner oriented. Not necessarily sexual, but physically wanted to be comforted and definately wanting him in my life outside of the office.
And yet -- I totally get what Annie said by the "secret life" concept. If anyone saw me in therapy, they would be just shocked at the transformation from competent and capable to sobbing and suicidal. It isn't that I've been able to hide the depression completely, my friends and family are well aware I'm struggling. But no one knows how much I see my therapist, how important therapy is and why it is such a life line. I think my secretary thinks I'm having an affair because when my therapist calls, (most Fridays), I shut my door and talk for long periods of time.
The other question is whether this work is easier or harder with parents who are living or dead. One of the most painful things is the change in the relationship I have with my mom. I don't trust myself to not blurt out right now, "where were you!?" I don't want to hurt her and I can't think of anything good that would come of telling her right now. It is too old and what is done is done. My dad lives far from me so I can keep my distance pretty well. But we had rebuilt a relationship over the past 20 years and I miss him. And I hate him at the exact same time.
My therapist gets to have all these emotions thrown at him right now -- "I miss you" "I hate this" "I don't know what good it does to tell you all this." I can totally see the transference, but I still can't help it. It feels like it is about him. I even said Thursday, "sometimes I wish I'd never met you" -- and I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. He just waits and says, "tell me why you are crying" and we talk about how alone I feel and how much I want to be with him. He acknowledges how painful my feelings are for him sometimes - he actually asked me if I wished I was working with a woman. Which is why I guess I'm asking you guys if you think it would make a difference...
Lucky for me he knows me well enough to call a few hour later just to say, "I'm OK with what you said and how you feel about me. I'm not put off and you can't push me away with all of this. And I didn't ask about working with a woman because I think you need to change. I think you are doing exactly what you need to right now." It only took 5 minutes but I bet it saved me from hours of agonizing over that session.
I guess this is me, having a very intense experience!
poster:daisym
thread:577897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/578082.html