Posted by Annierose on November 12, 2005, at 7:02:39
In reply to Knowing and not knowing..., posted by Pfinstegg on November 11, 2005, at 20:22:50
I may not be answering your question directly, but I do fully understand the emotional aspect you are describing. There is no csa in my background, just total emotional abandonment. I have a difficult time fully grasping the emotional toll not having anyone "there" for me. I minimize or dismiss the pain. My T says that served me well in childhood. A little girl needs to put that pain aside. Now, in the safety of my T's office, this is the time to put words to those feelings & expereinces and in essence, re-live those moments. That is where I am at now in therapy and I hate it. Knowing and not knowing ... and maybe, not wanting to know because it's too painful. Standing on the edge of this murky lake and somebody is asking me to go for a swim; I'd rather not.
Do you find your transference feelings w/your therapist so painful? By that I mean, she is the center of my emotional world right now. It seems so irrational. Yesterday she commented, "It seems very rational to me. But I can feel your conflict. Your brain is telling you that it can trust me and share everything, but your heart isn't so sure." Quickly I replied, "I feel the opposite. My heart loves and cares about you, but my brain keeps searching for reasons not to talk." She didn't quite get the difference, said something about different labels for the same point. I'm wandering in a different direction, sorry. I think it's wonderful that you were able to work through some transference issues with your T. As I'm slowly delving into this hard stuff, I'm finding it impossible to sit up and do the work. I exclusively lay down now, and can barely stand that (I'd rather be under her desk, or in a closet!). My question, are you able to still switch back and forth when you are talking about the really hard things?
You are doing such great work with your T. He sounds awesome, so understanding and accepting, and most of all, smart! As you continue your work, I do think your differing memories will work together to form some sort of cohesive front. My T will remind me sometimes not to push the memories, they will be heard when they are ready.
Thanks for posting. It resonated with me. And I loved Daisy's reply as well.
poster:Annierose
thread:577897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/577978.html