Posted by Pfinstegg on November 12, 2005, at 11:35:54
In reply to Re: Knowing and not knowing... » Pfinstegg, posted by Annierose on November 12, 2005, at 7:02:39
Thanks for responding so fully, Annie- and for the support, which means so much to me. Csa is definitely not the whole story for anyone; emotional neglect is always there, before and after, and is probably what allows such a thing to happen. I read, somewhere, recently, that emotional abuse, itself, is the thing that is so painful and damaging, whether or not it is accompanied by physical or sexual abuse also.
Because I am in analysis, we use the couch a lot- as you do. But in the past year, I had exactly the opposite experience from you. I began to feel sort of derealized and alone when lying down- not sure of whether he was actually "there", emotionally. So he asked me to find the place in his office that felt safest to my younger parts. Well, the safest place turned out to be on the floor at the end of his couch! It felt kind of embarrassing and silly at first, but he was glad I had found a safer place, and we have done a lot of work from that position that has felt really valuable to me. It's important for the younger parts to be able to look at his face and in his eyes, although lots of times they are fearful of doing so. Then. the most terrified parts can actually hunker down and HIDE behind the end of the couch for a little while, if they need to- just like you were sayiing you wanted to do. I find I've been able to express a lot more rage and fear from that position, and free associate better. For right now, I was completely overwhelmed, lying down. We both know that I need to be stronger before it's the best place for me again.
You sound like you've got a wonderful therapist, too, Annie. They really are the emotional centers of our worlds, for the time being anyway (probably forever, even when we get to termination!). My analyst really welcomes that; he said, in the beginning, "I hope you have as intense an experience as possible". I kind of agree with you- your heart feels attached and trustful, which is wonderful, but there are parts tucked somewhere in your mind, which contain horrible experiences of being all alone, and unimportant to anyone- and those parts find it much harder to feel attached and safe. But it sounds as though all those parts are getting a chance to be fully heard.
We are so lucky to have found these therapists. I think they are few and far-between. This time, I didn't mention Daisy's therapist, but I will here, (((Daisy))), as I didn't mean to overlook him, and think he is absolutely remarkable.
I hope the extremely hard work you are doing is helping, and giving you feelings of hope for your future. Thank you, too, for replying so thoughtfully; it was so supportive of you. I was afraid it was going to be one of those post which just hang out there all by themselves forever!
poster:Pfinstegg
thread:577897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/578001.html