Posted by Pfinstegg on November 12, 2005, at 10:55:39
In reply to Re: Knowing and not knowing... » Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on November 12, 2005, at 1:10:01
You expressed some of the implications of what I was talking about so well. The first is the incredibly painful awareness that our parents' love was imperfect, and did not protect us, I think everyone has such a huge need to think well of their parents; facing the feelings of being unloved and abused also means really losing our parents, as we had wished them to be. We are left all alone with unbeareable memories of what actually happened- memories which, until now, we had confined to just one or two ego states, so that the others could retain the illusion that we were loved and safe. That's what I did, too. I can see now that this year of tremendous rage and hatred towards my therapist was really a first step in becoming aware of the depth of rage I had, unconsciously, towards my parents for allowing/doing what they did to me. My analyst is now becoming the good, new, loving parent to my different parts, while the rage is becoming directed, more, at my parents. They are both dead; it is so hard. I feel sort of as if I were killing them all over again, even killing the good parts of them.
I guess every person stores their memories in a slightly different way, according to what they can bear. You seem to be doing so well in remembering and telling your therapist, even though you have another worried ego state who needs a lot of reassurance about whether it is OK to tell, whether it was actually "that bad", etc. I think that's so natural and understandable- at least, I do exactly the same thing- minimize it, try to justify it somehow, and, of course, wonder whether it actually happened.
My analyst never wants to push or hurry me; it's OK with him when I back off, and appear to undo something we have just worked on the day before. How much patience and hope for the future that must take on his part! He still says, "we are just at the beginning- we have time"- even now!
Actually, I know we have moved beyond the beginning. My depression, which became very severe when my parents died, has lifted a huge amount. I have been able to reduce the medications way down (though not eliminating them- I may always need them to a degree), and I've also been able to reduce the frequency of going to Dr. Hutto in Atlanta for TMS. I only go when the depression has been severe for several weeks, and it is usually mild or absent now.
If I were going to point to one thing that has helped me, I think it is working through the negative transferences with his wonderful help. For months, I was so ashamed and terrified of the rage and hate I felt towards this lovely man that I was on the verge of quitting every day!
It's such a help to know one isn't alone with these terrible struggles. Thank you for responding and sharing your experience, Daisy.
poster:Pfinstegg
thread:577897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/577996.html