Posted by daisym on November 12, 2005, at 1:10:01
In reply to Knowing and not knowing..., posted by Pfinstegg on November 11, 2005, at 20:22:50
I'm glad you've settled back into a secure place with your therapist. I think I understand the hostility you described, I've been in and out of this place myself a lot lately. It is difficult to be angry at the person you want to help you.
I think holding memories in different parts of yourself is common, and it does make us question what is real -- because it is so incomprehensible. I'm suddenly having a very hard time accepting that all this happened to me. I want it all to be a nightmare. I find myself flipping back and forth between belief and disbelief as I remember more truth. I keep asking where all this has been hiding -- how could I not have known the full extent?
And I think part of the resistance is to realizing how much fantasy I’ve held onto about my childhood. And about how much effect it has had on me. I think I believed that although I couldn’t stop what was happening to my body, I could preserve my “real” self from it…I could float away and not have it effect or invade my mind. Who I was, was separate from the body being used, hurt, or humiliated by someone else. Discovering that indeed I am damaged, that I was harmed and I was invaded, both mentally and physically is devastating. I wanted to believe that my life is in my control and that I was strong enough to not feel the effects of this abuse. I don’t want to be motivated by forces outside of my awareness, or by impulses I can’t resist. I’ve stopped trusting that my perceptions are correct, and that my thoughts are based fully in reality. For someone who needs to be so fully in control, who has set up her life to be predictable, safe and unemotional, this is terrifying.
I think the younger parts of me are holding tightly onto a wish or a fantasy of parents who were basically good and loving. And it is amazingly painful to let go of the fantasy of eventually being rescued. There are parts of me that are still waiting for this to happen. How can I give up this hope? It is easier to believe it all never happened.
I ask myself how can I be seeking validation for all these experiences and feelings, and yet keep thinking “maybe it wasn’t really so bad?” Am I hoping that if it wasn’t so bad, then the present pain will magically vanish? Or is the truth that, if I wasn’t loved as a child, and therefore wasn’t lovable, I’m afraid I’m not lovable now? And the adult hates the child who holds these memories and has disrupted life so badly for the past two years.
I tell the younger parts they must wait for therapy, but they don’t want to. There are middle of the night dialogs again, fights about who had it worse, fights about who needs my therapist more and despair of ever silencing all the voices. I know this is somewhat ridiculous, to still be allowing parts to carry different experiences. I say out loud I want to own my own experiences but I’m not sure I do. Otherwise why would I keep these things still so separate? I need to keep asking and hearing that what happened really does meet the requirements of being defined as traumatic. And I’m allowed to feel this bad about it.I have this notion that when I'm telling stories in therapy that I'm not working hard on stuff, I'm wallowing. Again, I think it is the adult saying, "if we don't say it out loud it isn't true, so shut up already." And at the exact same time the adult knows she needs to follow the rules of therapy which are to just say what is on your mind, to get it out into the room and talk about it.
My therapist just keeps reassuring me that this is part of the process. That eventually everything will be integrated, memories, voices and feelings. But it isn't quick work, is it? I think your subject line says it all -- it is about knowing and not knowing at the same time.
poster:daisym
thread:577897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/577955.html