Posted by antigua on November 13, 2005, at 17:10:15
In reply to Knowing and not knowing..., posted by Pfinstegg on November 11, 2005, at 20:22:50
I'm so late to this post, but yes, I can feel the same way. I know it happened to the six year old, but secretly I know it didn't. Until I go through it as that young girl, I will never believe it. Just me, although rationally there is no doubt it is true. I'm just not fully able to face it yet, but I will with time, or find a safe way to live w/o consciously knowing.
I've found that there are so many layers that cover up the abuse (the defense and the belief systems, and the denials) that I'm just slowly peeling away the layers until I am at a point that I can truly feel it and accept it. There are many things I know that happened, but the heart of it is still out there.
Once I hid behind the chair and made her turn the lights off, but I couldn't really talk like I wanted to--maybe I will try again when I'm stronger.
After feeling so good about understanding about being rejected by my father, and what that did to my self-esteem, etc., I now feel like I'm mourning and letting go. Letting go of that vision I have of that one kind, caring father so I can get to see the fuller picture.
I did catch myself the other day, though, watching my older inner girl (the angry, nine year old) actually reaching out to the really hurt little one, picking her up off the floor, cutting her hair, bathing the yuck off of her and giving her nice, new clean pajamas, painting the wall in her room to yellow from the dreary off white and reading her a wonderful bedtime story. Very much like I would have done for my younger brother. I gave him the nurturing I needed for my own, but I'm glad I did--cause now I can see that I needed it too.
I don't rage or cry. I wish I could. I will someday.
You are doing so great Pfinstegg and I know how hard it is.
best to you, and all the other babblers who are suffering,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:577897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/578261.html