Posted by daisym on September 4, 2005, at 20:01:17
In reply to Re: Sorting stuff out » daisym, posted by gardenergirl on September 3, 2005, at 10:19:26
> Pushing yourself to be honest in therapy is really hard. So much of what we need to say is painful or embarrassing. Or the brain shuts down because of emotional overload and the words disappear.
Isn't it amazing when you have an awareness of this happening? It's painful, but in the back of my head, there's also this curious thing saying, "Wow, what a mechanism!"
***I've said many times that I feel like pride got tossed out the window and I can see myself pushing forward even as the emotions swirl around. Yes, weird to watch and feel.
> Then I got upset. Then I got mad. In the mix are all these angry feelings at my mother, so I know there is a lot of transference going on. And I keep telling him he feels different, like he isn't as available as he use to be. Can you spot the projection yet??I think it's great that you are recognizing this. It's huge progress. I know that doesn't ease the hurt, but hang onto that idea. Thinking back to prior posts over the year, this is big.
***Now, if I could stop doing it since I recognize it!
> But the upset over his vacation isn't just about him leaving me. This time I'm jealous. I'm jealous that he is going away with someone who makes him happy, who he wants to be with and whom he is connected and close to. The fact that she is his wife is beside the point. I'm envious of the happiness I imagine they have as a couple. It makes me feel lonely and sad about what is missing in my life. It makes me feel intrusive for having feelings for an obviously happily married man and presumptuous...who do I think I am to feel this way? I feel so unattractive.Oh sweetie. These feelings sound so painful. And also so authentic. Is there any relief at all in finding yourself NOT defending against these very normal feelings? It sounds like you just laid your inner self bare, and he was accepting and comforting. Is it becoming easier for you to stop defending against these feelings? It sounds like it. Again, I would say that is progress.
***When I told him it was hard to talk about because it is so embarrassing, he said it is good for me to talk about embarrassing stuff because I have so little practice at that. I'm good at moving away from things that make me uncomfortable because I assume it will make everyone uncomfortable. And that is breaking the cardinal rule. I don't know if it feels better, but it feels necessary. Like I just can't keep secrets from him. Above all, THAT feels the worse. Because that would just be like with my mother.> But he never said what he thought about the CONTENT of our discussion. He always says that I can say anything, that he wants to hear from all sides of me. He believes in talking about things over and over again. But, I think there is a difference between wanting honesty about what I'm thinking and being OK with what I just said. Does that make sense?
Daisy, I do see the difference, but I have to say, any reaction he has to the content is HIS to deal with. And it sounds like he does a phenomenal job with managing his own stuff. I do think he is OK with honesty, no matter what the content. It's true that we do have emotional reactions of all kinds to the content. But that doesn't mean we want someone to avoid certain content. (At least I can tell your T does not, and I hope I do not.) There are ways to cope with our own reactions available. We can get peer consultation, journal, seek supervision, read literature, meditate, etc.
***Yes, but GG, I don't want to say things that make him hate me. OK, hate is too strong. I just read this whole article on therapist hate for patients who are chronically suicidal. It made a lot of sense, the frustration and worry, but it scared the begezus out of me. Who wants to work with someone who doesn't like them? And I NEED people to like me. EVERYONE likes good girls, haven't you heard? (another issue to work on)
I think you probably already know this, but I think your worry about him wishing he didn't have you as a patient or wishing you didn't talk about "certain things" is a re-enactment of something from your childhood. For example, like when you cried, and your mother discouraged that...that content/behavior "turned her off".
***Yup. I keep doing this to him in a variety of ways. I'm constantly putting him in the position of my mother, waiting for him to react like she did and does.
Did you share with him your worry about his feelings? I started a new thread to talk about an experience I had recently when I commented on what I thought he might be feeling. It turned out to be one of those therapy "moments" I will never forget.
***I told him in the message I left him that I wanted to know what he thought about the content. Actually I think I said, "you said back to me everything I said, but you never said what you were thinking. So I know you heard me, but ???" When he called and left a message he said he would tell me what he thought and we could and should keep talking about this.
> He said even if I'm mad at him, he is still coming back from his vacation. And we will still keep working together. I guess that's good, right?Yes, that's good. And it's what I think you need to hear again and again. Because I assume that you have not had good experiences in the past when you felt mad at someone. I'm afraid it's going to take repetition for this to feel okay. But it will.
***I know. He asked me if since we'd been through vacations several times now, wasn't it even just a little easier for me to believe he'll be back? I know the answer was supposed to be yes, I'm pretty sure I nodded my head yes, but instead I wanted to scream, "NO! I'm using up my luck and my chances. Each time you leave there is another chance that you'll figure out how hard I am."
> I left him message saying I was worried and I wanted to know what he thought about the content. And then I left another saying that I didn't want to be rejected out loud. But if he was mad he should tell me.
>
> And then I turned off my phone. I'm such a mess...I'm sorry this is so hard. Your phone messages were very honest, and again, I think it's progress that you can ask him that. So, I don't think you are a mess, but I do hear that you've got a jumble of emotions.
***Jumble is a good word. His phone message back to me said, "Thank you for your message. Long is good sometimes and you made lots of sense. I want to talk to you about all this, which would be easier if you would answer your phone." :)
How are you doing today? Any fun plans for the holiday weekend?
***I visited my mother today so I'm confused and sad tonight. But I'll be Fine. I just wish I could be what she expected - strong and resilient and smart enough to figure out the answers. I can't even figure out the questions right now.
thanks for your help.
poster:daisym
thread:549855
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050901/msgs/550735.html