Posted by daisym on September 4, 2005, at 20:52:08
In reply to Re: Sorting stuff out » daisym, posted by Tamar on September 3, 2005, at 21:11:54
> Pushing yourself to be honest in therapy is really hard. So much of what we need to say is painful or embarrassing. Or the brain shuts down because of emotional overload and the words disappear.
Oh, I remember that so well. That’s exactly how I used to describe it: the words disappear.
***Did you ever find a way to make it stop happening?
> I've had a week like this. The true roller coaster of being weepy on Monday, then numbing out yesterday and back to weepy today. Why? He wanted to talk about his vacation. I've been avoiding talking about it. He told me where he was going and I was really surprised. Then I got upset. Then I got mad. In the mix are all these angry feelings at my mother, so I know there is a lot of transference going on. And I keep telling him he feels different, like he isn't as available as he use to be. Can you spot the projection yet??
Was there a reason the place he was going surprised you? Did that have something to do with your reaction? (Of course, you don’t have to answer…)
***I thought he was going somewhere else. I hate to be wrong. But I think mostly why I got upset was because my first reaction was to say, "oh, are you going to visit family?" and my next reaction was - I'm not allowed (or supposed to) ask that. And the realization (again) that I'm not part of his "real" life felt like a slap. The anger is at myself for wanting something I can't have. I know better than this!
> But the upset over his vacation isn't just about him leaving me. This time I'm jealous. I'm jealous that he is going away with someone who makes him happy, who he wants to be with and whom he is connected and close to. The fact that she is his wife is beside the point. I'm envious of the happiness I imagine they have as a couple. It makes me feel lonely and sad about what is missing in my life. It makes me feel intrusive for having feelings for an obviously happily married man and presumptuous...who do I think I am to feel this way? I feel so unattractive.
(((((Daisy))))) That’s very familiar to me too. I remember saying something to my therapist about wanting the sort of sex life that I imagine other people have; easy, and not hard work. (And of course I meant the sort of thing I imagined *he* has, even if I didn’t say it outright.) And that goes for the relationship too. I imagine he has a perfect marriage and he’s always attentive and appreciative of his wife… and I feel thoroughly ugly when I think about it. And yet… is it really intrusive? It seems to me that wanting to be one half of a happy couple is a reasonable desire. And if you want it with your therapist… well, isn’t that very natural? No doubt he seems like an ideal partner. But I’m sure he also feels connected to you and close to you. It’s not the same as a marriage. But it can be good.
***The part I haven't told him yet is that I have this whole fantasy that he can teach me that sex can be gentle and special and that it can feel safe and good. Right now it isn't any of those things for me. And yes, I want to be the other half of something special. I'm tired of being lonely. I wish he hadn't shown me possibilities. I think it is too late for me to find this kind of a relationship. I never even knew I wanted it. It makes me very sad. And I'm very aware of my physical flaws, in a way that I haven't been since I was a teenager. He has this theory that I never gave myself over to these intense feelings, even as a teen, so in many ways I'm experiencing an adolescent crush in all its painful intensity. He said this in a way that didn't feel like a put down but rather something else I missed.
> I told him most of this today. I told him I was completely embarrassed but these feelings were in the way and I needed to untangle them from the work we are doing around my mother. We talked again about loving someone and how many different levels of love there are, from so many parts of me. And we talked about attraction and the feelings that go with that. I told him how I was feeling about him going away with someone and how running into her a few weeks ago made me feel. (He didn't know that had happened, I never told him.) He said he was glad I told him all this today and he wants to talk about this stuff. He was calm and sweet and understanding.
I’m glad he was understanding. I think he can hear anything you have to say. Wow, running into her must have been tough. If that had been me, I would have spent hours thinking about me and her.
***OF COURSE I DID. She is everything I'm not, thin, pretty, tallish (though I think that was the shoes). She was dressed really cute and the worst part was that she look so happy when she greeted her client. It was that happiness that did me in. The comparison for me was the doom and gloom I bring into the room with me and the sunshine she brought with her. And this confused me even further because I asked myself what I thought I was doing, comparing us. Did I want him with an unattractive, unhappy person? I have no answer for this. I did not tell him ANY of this. He's a guy, he wouldn't get it.
> But he never said what he thought about the CONTENT of our discussion. He always says that I can say anything, that he wants to hear from all sides of me. He believes in talking about things over and over again. But, I think there is a difference between wanting honesty about what I'm thinking and being OK with what I just said. Does that make sense?
It makes sense to me. It sounds as if you’re worried that your honesty could push him away from you. However, I don’t think it will push him away. I suspect that instead it will help the connection between you.
***I hope you are right. It feels a little like it is getting in the way of what we should be working on. He would argue with this I'm sure.
> This is all so complicated. And the feelings so intense. I'm very worried that I'm finally crossing over into the "I wish I didn't have this patient" territory.
I think it’s probably just the opposite. I suspect that telling him all this stuff consolidates your therapeutic relationship, and that he feels glad and happy to be working with someone who is able to make so much progress. And I bet your ability to be so honest gives him a sense of satisfaction. I think good therapists thrive on this kind of honesty; I’m sure he feels privileged to work with you.
***How do you ask this without it sounding very narcissistic? I've told him I want to be special. Last week we talked about how hard it was for me to be just one of many clients. He said we have a unique and special relationship. I said that sounds like the text book answer they must be taught in school. I make it hard for him to reassure me in this area. Which makes me wonder what I'm wanting from him.
> I mean, didn't I just tell him today that I was mad that he was going on his vacation with his wife? Don't I want him to be happy? *sigh* He said even if I'm mad at him, he is still coming back from his vacation. And we will still keep working together. I guess that's good, right?
I certainly think it’s good.
> I left him message saying I was worried and I wanted to know what he thought about the content. And then I left another saying that I didn't want to be rejected out loud. But if he was mad he should tell me.
>
> And then I turned off my phone. I'm such a mess...Argh! If by ‘rejected out loud’ you mean a fear that he might not be able to handle your feelings, then I suspect the fear is unfounded. But if by ‘rejected out loud’ you mean a fear that he won’t ever want a relationship with you like he has with his wife, then I suspect he will be able to reassure you without rejecting you.
***Again, I think I make it hard for him to do this. Mostly I think I'm looking at the emptiness in my marriage and feeling very sad about it all. I think it ended when we weren't looking and I have no idea if we even want to save it. Him being sick makes everything complicated. So I really, really don't want more rejection.
I know it’s hard. But it seems to me that you’re making immense progress.
***Is it progress? I feel more confused and it occurred to me today that a lot of my angst is about therapy and my therapist. Wouldn't it be easier than me if I didn't have these complications? When is therapy more harmful for you than helpful? (I'm telling myself that I just saw my mother which is why I feel like therapy is bad for me and a crutch and I'm weak and all that. I think that is another post.)
Thanks for your help and insights, as always. I have a lot of work to do here.
poster:daisym
thread:549855
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050901/msgs/550748.html