Posted by Tamar on September 3, 2005, at 21:11:54
In reply to Sorting stuff out, posted by daisym on September 1, 2005, at 22:39:27
> Pushing yourself to be honest in therapy is really hard. So much of what we need to say is painful or embarrassing. Or the brain shuts down because of emotional overload and the words disappear.
Oh, I remember that so well. That’s exactly how I used to describe it: the words disappear.
> I've had a week like this. The true roller coaster of being weepy on Monday, then numbing out yesterday and back to weepy today. Why? He wanted to talk about his vacation. I've been avoiding talking about it. He told me where he was going and I was really surprised. Then I got upset. Then I got mad. In the mix are all these angry feelings at my mother, so I know there is a lot of transference going on. And I keep telling him he feels different, like he isn't as available as he use to be. Can you spot the projection yet??
Was there a reason the place he was going surprised you? Did that have something to do with your reaction? (Of course, you don’t have to answer…)
> But the upset over his vacation isn't just about him leaving me. This time I'm jealous. I'm jealous that he is going away with someone who makes him happy, who he wants to be with and whom he is connected and close to. The fact that she is his wife is beside the point. I'm envious of the happiness I imagine they have as a couple. It makes me feel lonely and sad about what is missing in my life. It makes me feel intrusive for having feelings for an obviously happily married man and presumptuous...who do I think I am to feel this way? I feel so unattractive.
(((((Daisy))))) That’s very familiar to me too. I remember saying something to my therapist about wanting the sort of sex life that I imagine other people have; easy, and not hard work. (And of course I meant the sort of thing I imagined *he* has, even if I didn’t say it outright.) And that goes for the relationship too. I imagine he has a perfect marriage and he’s always attentive and appreciative of his wife… and I feel thoroughly ugly when I think about it. And yet… is it really intrusive? It seems to me that wanting to be one half of a happy couple is a reasonable desire. And if you want it with your therapist… well, isn’t that very natural? No doubt he seems like an ideal partner. But I’m sure he also feels connected to you and close to you. It’s not the same as a marriage. But it can be good.
> I told him most of this today. I told him I was completely embarrassed but these feelings were in the way and I needed to untangle them from the work we are doing around my mother. We talked again about loving someone and how many different levels of love there are, from so many parts of me. And we talked about attraction and the feelings that go with that. I told him how I was feeling about him going away with someone and how running into her a few weeks ago made me feel. (He didn't know that had happened, I never told him.) He said he was glad I told him all this today and he wants to talk about this stuff. He was calm and sweet and understanding.
I’m glad he was understanding. I think he can hear anything you have to say. Wow, running into her must have been tough. If that had been me, I would have spent hours thinking about me and her.
> But he never said what he thought about the CONTENT of our discussion. He always says that I can say anything, that he wants to hear from all sides of me. He believes in talking about things over and over again. But, I think there is a difference between wanting honesty about what I'm thinking and being OK with what I just said. Does that make sense?
It makes sense to me. It sounds as if you’re worried that your honesty could push him away from you. However, I don’t think it will push him away. I suspect that instead it will help the connection between you.
> This is all so complicated. And the feelings so intense. I'm very worried that I'm finally crossing over into the "I wish I didn't have this patient" territory.
I think it’s probably just the opposite. I suspect that telling him all this stuff consolidates your therapeutic relationship, and that he feels glad and happy to be working with someone who is able to make so much progress. And I bet your ability to be so honest gives him a sense of satisfaction. I think good therapists thrive on this kind of honesty; I’m sure he feels privileged to work with you.
> I mean, didn't I just tell him today that I was mad that he was going on his vacation with his wife? Don't I want him to be happy? *sigh* He said even if I'm mad at him, he is still coming back from his vacation. And we will still keep working together. I guess that's good, right?
I certainly think it’s good.
> I left him message saying I was worried and I wanted to know what he thought about the content. And then I left another saying that I didn't want to be rejected out loud. But if he was mad he should tell me.
>
> And then I turned off my phone. I'm such a mess...Argh! If by ‘rejected out loud’ you mean a fear that he might not be able to handle your feelings, then I suspect the fear is unfounded. But if by ‘rejected out loud’ you mean a fear that he won’t ever want a relationship with you like he has with his wife, then I suspect he will be able to reassure you without rejecting you.
I know it’s hard. But it seems to me that you’re making immense progress.
I’ll be thinking of you.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:549855
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050901/msgs/550478.html