Posted by Jadah on July 22, 2005, at 16:28:02
its been awhile-anyone there?
Posted by Jadah on July 17, 2005, at 11:59:07its been awhile since ive been here, partly b/c of whats going on, I know many do not agree. Although my affair with my T ended briefly (2months), it had resumed and has been going on for a year or more. Weve definitely grew closer recently (if we could possibly get any closer) after I had been hospitalized numerous times and had MAJOR surgery to try to get my cancer under control. He cried like a baby with me in the hospital, I know he's scared of losing me. I love him so bad it hurts- if this makes any sense- it hurts to be with him and without him. He has been talking about leaving his wife, we spend a more significant amount of time together than they do. I thought hearing that would be a dream come true. Ive waited patiently for even the thought of that. Quite honestly though, it scares me. As much as I love him I dont think we could be in a long lasting monogomous relationship together. One of the reasons our time together, the sex, the intimacy, our childlike fun.... is so good is b/c its risky, the anticipation of him is exciting, our time together means more b/c of all this. To be with him full time, I think would take all the excitement away. We never argue, when youre with someone all the time that happens. I wouldnt want my view of him to change b/c I would see all his flaws, his complete humanness (am I making any sense at all?). I have been in a relationship with someone for 6 months now, I figured, my T is married, I should go on with my life when he's not around. Ive really grown to care about this man and am often so confused. I think about my T almost obsessively sometimes even when Im with my boyfriend (I feel horrible about that) I try not to get jealous of my T when I know he is at home with his wife and kids, although it makes me feel better knowing their marriage is anything but healthy. (I know thats selfish of me). He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. Theraputically speaking, in 5 years of straight counseling with him, I have become a new person, whole, and sound in mind. (except when it comes to our relationship). I am a new person- healthy, happy, free of my past, no longer a victim. I am handling all of this well compared to how I would have a few years ago. Things are complicated at times. I still talk to him about my problems when I need to, he's always been there to take care of me and pick up the peices after Ive fallen. The fact that he knows everything about me can definately be scary sometimes, but he is very mindful of my baggage and handles me gently. Not sure where this will go, and I know it cant go on forever. I always pray that I can deal with whatever comes my way. I still have no regrets. I know many of you have thought and still do feel that this is a bad situation all the way around. I can respect that. Most of you have never been in my shoes, some of you wish it. Please dont judge my T or me. Tis my life, my feelings. Live and learn. Nice to be back. Look forward to hearing from any of you.
poster:Jadah
thread:531728
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/531728.html