Posted by 10derHeart on March 19, 2005, at 21:57:14
In reply to It's still there (are ya'll sick of this subject?), posted by messadivoce on March 19, 2005, at 3:30:17
((Voce)) I've been reading and trying to think of something of value to say to you. It probably won't be much, but I want to try.
I think you are at such a disadvantage in the process of separating from him because of the other, recent events. You've been forced to deal with many levels of grieving all at once, and considering all that, you're okay. Really doing okay. And bringing sincere, kind words to other posters (me included) - I notice that about you - and I smile about it :-)
Of course the hole is still there. A year is not such a long time, really. Hearts and souls wounded by the absence of special people don't tend to pay attention to the passing of time anyway. And as for us getting sick of this subject...I think Babble contains something like a sea of empathy that washes over things, but this unique hurt especially. It's such a common experience, albeit on different levels and lived out in different ways for those of us who've lost a T. for any reason. Think of it as a sea of understanding that is so big and deep, it couldn't possibly "run out" (ie, get sick of ) of the capacity to cover this subject. A bit flowery maybe, but I like the sea image....
I don't think it's awful when you feel you can't pray. I do believe God weeps for us and with us the most at those times, when we turn away out of frustration, anger or doubt. I have (recently) had periods where that relationship feels silent for me. I do manage to "fix" that, but I'll save that for a more fitting post or email. Anyway, it's so, so normal, please don't berate yourself. I would wonder if you were superhuman if you felt praying was easy, comfortable or even possible 24/7. It's just not that way.
Gosh, I hope talking to former T's, asking them questions (out loud, in the car), saying you miss them, etc., isn't a problem...? If so, oh, well, let's form a club. I do it daily, still - going on 9 months. I hate it and love it at the same time. Frustrated I'm not stronger, yet weirdly comforted once I get the words out of my head and cry the tears.
I can't answer all your questions about what your old T. knew or what he thinks now. Those are tough to have, I'm sure. I have some, but not others as I've been able to stay in touch with mine for quite a while. I think I've mentioned before both my current and former T's (one PhD., one pdoc) have strongly stated their training around termination was really lacking. Words like inadequate, brief and cursory were used. I almost think it scares them, and that yours may be operating a lot from fears. Since he's a caring person, but wasn't prepared to skillfully work with those like you and me, who do develop bonds like "superglue", maybe he's "running," in a sense. I've come to believe, seeing what old T. learned from me by working through the process, that they learn it all on the job, and only then if they come across client(s) who stay long term and are willing to "go there." So unfortunately, if you'd encountered your T. maybe 3-5-10 years from now, I'll bet he would have had a whole different approach. Sorry, dear, I know that just sucks and doesn't help a bit.
Please post as much as you want about this. I hope we're all learning from each other, and providing a soft place to fall. And, it occurs to me sometimes we're creating an entire "real life training manuel" on the true depths of termination for GG, (and other posters training to be T.s) which is really a unique thing Babble makes possible!
poster:10derHeart
thread:472730
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/473020.html