Posted by messadivoce on March 19, 2005, at 3:30:17
By that I mean the hole in my heart. Yes, my dear, patient friends, I am talking about my former T. I wish I could shake him from my thoughts, but he's always there. I'm sorry for posting about this AGAIN. People IRL are pretty much done with hearing about it, but there is something in my that needs to say this again and again. As though if I don't, he'll disappear completely.
I mean, I'm very functional. I'm busy graduating from college and paying bills and being grownup and doing all that scary adult stuff, but there's this 10 year old inside me who knows that she wants my T back, and isn't going to stop crying until she gets him.
You know, I can't pray right now. It's really hard. But when I'm driving, I do talk to my T. Is that terrible of me, to be unable to talk to God, but to talk to a man who's not there and not listening. I tell him how much I miss him. I ask him why he left, and I plead with him to come back.
I want to call him and hear his voice, and be reassured that he still cares about me, but he's made it pretty clear that he doesn't think it good for me to call, so I don't. I'm scared that if I did, I wouldn't get that reassurance that I crave anyway.
I know that he has a 6-year-old daughter. He told me her name, too, it's a beautiful, exotic name. I wish I was her. I wish I could be her and have him there all the time, and have the excuse to be close to him, and have it be acceptable to need him.
I know what school he got his Pys.D from, so I was able to pull up his dissertation from their library catalogue, and just looking at his name made me feel a tiny bit better. So he's still in the world, he's really truly there, even if he's not with me. So that's something.
I'm thankful that the days that I felt sick from missing him are over. But I'm left with one huge question. Did he have any idea this was going to happen to me? Why did he encourage such strong attachment? He told me that I was a "deep and intense person," but did he have any idea how deep my hurt would go when he changed his demenour about communication? How intensely I would feel his absence? Did he feel any guilt, any remorse or sadness when I wrote him that letter? What did he do with it? Does he ever re-read it and think about me?
Will I be in love with this phantom of a man forever? We're coming up on a year. Is there something magical about a year that will make this all go away?
poster:messadivoce
thread:472730
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/472730.html