Posted by Daisym on February 5, 2005, at 19:55:47
In reply to Re: My dad (csa trigger), Daisy, posted by antigua on February 4, 2005, at 21:22:47
>>>>You keep vascillating between what happened early and perhaps you are faced with abandoment issues w/both your father and husband. You may be coming to huge melding of all this so it may be hard to sort it out all out. Maybe that's why you feel you bounce around so much. You will find a balance, but you will be constantly pulled in all directions so that you make little steps w/each when maybe you want to solve one issue completely and move on the next one/
<<<<I think you are totally on base, actually. I would like to completely solve the abandonment issue but another looms large in my future. Isn't death the ultimate abandonment?
What is so much harder are the emotional similarities -- especially the angry explosions and then the contrition, which usually results in "make up" sex. When I was a kid, there was anger, hitting and then the "I'm sorry, I love you" part of the cycle, which often resulted in csa. I'm still vague about the cycle, it didn't start that way. But it seemed like, from my memories, if there was physical proximity with my dad and he was in that space of being sorry or feeling loving towards me, sex of some kind happened. This is amazingly hard to understand.
So I'm triggered all over the place with my husband. I'm trying to seperate them, but in this moment, with all the flashbacks, it is really hard. My younger parts get so upset and sort of limit my ability to respond in an adult-like manner.
My therapist keeps telling me that even though my husband is sick, it is not OK that he has these angry outbursts and then expects me to be completely understanding and physically close. Especially with my background. But I can't tolerate the tension and I NEED to make it all better as quickly as possible. And I freeze up during sex, so saying, "no" is impossible. And then I'm furious with myself because no where else (NO WHERE ELSE!) do I allow myself to be treated like this. I make so many excuses for him, but they are wearing thin these days. I feel like a bad person for not being more understanding, but I think there is only so much emotional abuse that can be excused.
In therapy, we talk over and over about re-enacting, especially during this phase of getting the memories back. My therapist helps me understand what is happening and why I feel so frozen and we practice responses, which helps, but I can't change the situation -- not yet anyway. I get upset when it feels like he has expectations for change quicker than I can get there, but I think this is a projection of my own frustration and expectations.
I often wonder how many other women who experienced csa find themselves in weirdly similiar situations and experience that really old guilt of being responsible for it all somehow.
poster:Daisym
thread:451102
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050129/msgs/453763.html