Posted by littleone on February 1, 2005, at 15:11:29
I was as happy as Larry in my session yesterday, but completely fell apart afterwards. My T wanted me to write out what I don't like about my mum/dad/brother.
Thought I would start on my dad 'cause he's easy. Lots to not like about him. Ended up writing 3 pages of stuff I hate about him. And got myself all upset.
About 2 years ago when I stumbled across the AvPD description, I also found the OCPD description and instantly pegged my dad for that one. But then I kept doubting myself. Thinking that I was only thinking of dad in terms of that dx to fit him to it.
But by now I had pretty much forgotten what the criteria for OCPD was and when I did up my list of hates, I wasn't thinking about that dx at all. I was just focused on my dad and how he is.
Anyway, I got halfway through the list and I realised that the general feel of my list was the general crux of the dx, so I dug around for my notes on OCPD and sure enough, he fits. Like a glove.
And then I really read my list and the dx and it hit me how awful he really is. I've been excusing away the abuse all this time. But really seeing how generally awful he is as a person and how awful it must have been to tolerate his character all day every day (not just during his rages) just tears me apart.
I feel evil and horrible for thinking/writing this stuff about him. I remembered that as a kid it was horrible to even joke with him. You'd both be joking away and if I took the slightest dig at him - a dig that most people would laugh over and probably even add to - he'd turn into a monster. So writing out my hate list is so much worse, it would be truly evil in his eyes.
And in my head I know I'm not evil. But I *feel* evil and nasty and mean and horrible.
At the start of my list, I wrote that I don't like my dad as a person and I hate him as my dad. I know that if you hate someone, love is just on the other side so there is hope. But if you don't even like them as a person, does that mean there's no hope? That you're only choices are to tolerate him as is or to ditch him altogether?
poster:littleone
thread:451102
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050129/msgs/451102.html