Posted by daisym on February 4, 2005, at 0:39:36
In reply to Re: My dad (csa trigger) » daisym, posted by littleone on February 3, 2005, at 21:26:07
You ask really good questions. I never left my kids alone with my dad until they were much older and I have all boys. I only recently found out about my baby sister, so I thought it was just me for a very long time. And while I always knew about the touching, etc., most of the really awful stuff came back into memory over the last year or so. Especially how it all cycled around.
I'm trying hard to understand it all. Intellectually I *know* it is never the child's fault. But inside, I'm so ashamed and I question all the time "why didn't I tell?" We've spent whole sessions on this and again, intellectually, I can give you the list of why kids don't tell. It is hard for me to forgive myself though...I even upset my therapist around this. I was so upset at one point about "participating" that he sort of got in my face and said, "your parents put their shame into you...him for what he was doing and her for what she wasn't. If you step outside your feelings for a minute, you KNOW this isn't your fault." And while I really wanted to believe him, most of me fell apart because now HE was mad at me too...
We worked it out. He said he was totally feeling protective and angry at my parents, not me. But it is so complicated, all these feelings. I agree with you, about trying to understand their motive. Otherwise the only conclusion I arrive at is that I was somehow bad, and not worth saving.
I wish it wasn't so hard for you. There are answers, you will find them.
poster:daisym
thread:451102
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050129/msgs/452914.html