Posted by Larry Hoover on August 22, 2004, at 13:04:30
In reply to What is the point of being genuine?, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2004, at 10:34:18
> So what is the benefit in being genuine? If other people like me better fake and superficial, and it hurts less being fake and superficial, does being genuine serve any purpose whatsoever? Does the real me have any value at all?
I am going to go into mental rambling mode. I hope the walk through my gardens is a pleasant one.
The ancient Greeks used to present plays wherein the actors wore masks with exaggerated facial expressions (you sometimes still see depictions of those, the happy and sad faces, at live theaters). Those masks were called persona, and from that, we developed these many centuries later, the concept of personality.
We all have persona. It's expected of us. What are manners, other than aspects of a socially determined persona?
I'd also hazard a guess that each of us has multiple other persona (I think the plural is the same word, but it might be personnae). You wear a daddy persona, or a husband persona, a professional persona, a drunk-in-a-bar persona.....every person in your world gets a different one.
Each persona confers benefits, but it also comes at a price. The magnitude of the benefit or cost is actually denominated in what I call "authenticity units". How much effort does it take to create and maintain the persona, versus how much the persona succeeds in getting your needs met. The authentic you is stretched just how far? to maintain that image, and to get exactly which needs? of the authentic you satisfied.
Sometimes we suppress awareness of some of the costs, because we wish to emphasize a particular benefit. Is that good or bad? Only you can say. It's not black and white, and never was, because there is no persona that is purely beneficial, and without cost....just as there is no persona that is purely adverse, and without benefit.
An example might be that stereotypical Mars/Venus-in-marriage thingie. He values her so long as she keeps the house clean, works full-time, has dinner ready, and puts out when he feels like it. She values the social position, additional financial security, commitment, and stability while raising a family. No one can say, other than the parties involved, whether the effort to maintain the persona is sustainable, given the return on the investment. Some people don't even want to think about it. They don't want to know.
Dinah, I see you asking such a question. Is the authenticity cost of maintaining your present situation greater than the cost you would assume by dropping that persona, and becoming more authentic? That's what I'm "hearing" you ask.
I'm sure everyone has a superficial persona. The one that does all the "small-talk" that we do every day. Look at the language itself. *Small*-talk goes with superficial. It's easier, certainly, but can it ever be satisfying? I suspect your question would not even arise, but for the fact that you know the answer already. You're not satisfied.
You question the transition, from old persona to new, and understandably so. The terms of your own questioning, though, seem to be external. What will the effect be on others, if you become more authentic, or on your relationship with those others, if you become the real one? But also, what will be the effect on you?
From experience, I've found that when I become more authentic, life becomes very much simpler. I don't have to interpret myself in terms of the multiple personnae (that looks right, so I guess the plural *is* personnae). Along with that comes a loss of superficial people. The people who only valued me when I "did their bidding", via adoption of the "approved" persona, fall away. I no longer meet their needs. That can be good, that can be bad. If you want certain people to remain in your world, you must decide if you are willing to pay the price, in "authenticity units", but you'll start to do so overtly. You'll see the price clearly. That's what a shift towards genuine gives you.
You already do that, Dinah. Your dear friends are the ones that let you wear the most comfortable personnae.
The types of relationships I now have with people are different than before. My friends are those who meet this definition of friendship, "they still like me, even after they've gotten to know me well." Those friends do meet my needs. I get more benefit than I pay, that's for certain. I don't have to guess any more why someone might like me. And, if they don't, it's their loss, not mine. I become less dependent. Not lonely, but valuing solitude. And welcoming, when those dear people come back.
Yes, I see finding "the genuine self" to be an invaluable goal. The "genuine you" still carries personnae. That won't change. But they'll fit better. They won't chafe so. They'll be more comfortable. And they'll allow you to love yourself, just as you are. Not conditionally, through playing a role, but unconditionally, just for being you. As Mastercard says, "Priceless."
I think I'll end the garden tour, here.
Hugs, Di.
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:380351
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040821/msgs/380849.html