Posted by gardenergirl on August 22, 2004, at 9:00:02
In reply to Re: The real Dinah » AuntieMel, posted by Dinah on August 22, 2004, at 8:30:42
Dinah,
When I read your first post in this thread, I have to admit, I was stumped. If I were your T and you asked me that in that way, I would either babble on stupidly, or just say, "that's a good question...let's explore it." (I like the latter response better, but I can't say I can always come up with it.)Perhaps part of my being stumped is that I am depressed right now, too. It's getting better, though, finally. It's been a long summer.
I think I'm in a similar place, as far as getting ready to take a risky leap and not knowing if it is worth it. Even though the defended and "should" me is behind me and comfortable in that I know her so well, the genuine me that is out in the unknown is starting to look more attractive. There is such a sense of relief I get when in sessions I lose defenses and the real me comes out and my T accepts her and loves her too. It's really a profound feeling, one that is hard to put into words. It's almost a like a relief at recognition. I imagine that if I were able to feel that way all the time, or at least much more often, then I would be much less depressed.
I think the "shoulds" are a terrible thing. That is one of the things about Horney that really resonated with me...the tyranny of the shoulds. It just sets you up to be defended. If you think of a battle metaphor, well-defended has a sense of security about it, but it takes a lot of effort and maintenance to keep it going. Imagine if you had no enemies and no worries about defense? Peace, comfort, freedom to do as you please and be as you please.
Any way, my turning point or cliff right now is related to deciding to give up the defended roles I play (mainly maladaptive dependent versus adaptive interdependent) and take on more independence and confidence in myself. I think this is related to allowing the genuine me to be. My T brought up this conflict in me as a hallmark of termination, actually. That felt a bit scary, but not as scary as it usually does. So there really is an appeal there.
I'm so rambling, because I'm sleep deprived, too. Perhaps you can explore with your T how it feels to be on that cliff and thinking about jumping. Would Dinah fly free? I think so, but it takes a great deal of faith to make that leap. (Kind of like in the first Matrix movie, :)
Take care. I hope this is of some help. I obviously need to think more on it, too. I have to wonder, though, if my most recent depression has served a good purpose, helping me to get to this point? Perhaps there is a bit of depression that goes along with grieving the loss of the defended me that has to be felt before I can be ready to fly. Hmmm.
Take care, Dinah. You are a dear.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:380351
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040821/msgs/380766.html