Posted by JenStar on August 22, 2004, at 18:34:01
In reply to Everthing I wrote last night is best ignored. :(, posted by Dinah on August 22, 2004, at 8:26:07
Dinah,
I'm sorry you're feeling conflicted! I'm glad you feel better after some sleep (I hope you do, anyway!) and I'm also glad that you posted your questions -- really glad. :)One good thing to see is the overwhelming response to your post! It appears that EVERYONE here feels somewhat the same way -- that we all have a 'fake' or 'public' persona in addition to the 'genuine' one, that we all kind of accept that this is normal, and that we also kind of hate that it has to be so.
Hopefully that is somewhat comforting, in a small way? Knowing that you're not alone in the weird spiralling thought mess of me vs. me?
I often think about the exact questions you asked. I too have the Genuine JenStar and the Visible JenStar. The visible one is sort of a mud-hut thatched-roof patchwork combination of the real me and the social me and the me-I-want-to-be and the me-of-this-moment-trying-something-new-let's-see-how-this-feels.
The more I get to know someone, the more I let out the real JenStar. I disclose bits little by little, and if the person doesn't run away screaming, I feel happy & want to disclose more. Sometimes I'm feeling risky or frisky and I loose a lot of truth all at once, just to see what happens. Of course, the other person is disclosing too...and sometimes I like the 'real them' and sometimes I don't. It's not always a match.
And I think that's why it is kind of scary to show the 'real me' -- that's it, that's the root, there's nothing else in there...and if you don't like it, wow - that's real rejection! I can't mask it by saying "it was just my fake persona I showed you, no big deal that you didn't like her"...it was a judgement about the real me. Scary.
I know what you're saying about the fake person being designed to fit into society. I do that too...and it sounds like we ALL do!
Sometimes I used to feel despair at work because I felt that the 'real' person was becoming too far buried under the lacquer of the 'socially acceptable' person. I didn't LIKE the lacquer (some people do like it...bully for them, right?) and started feeling suffocated. I wasn't confident that I could do as well at work if I let out the real JenStar, esp. after burying lots of her for so long. It would certainly be a shock -- at least -- that I was acting differently...and might not be taken well. Could be seen as signs of insubordination, inability to get along in a team, not playing along with company values, blah, blah.
I sometimes think about this stuff, gloomily and deeply, and then wake up the next day full of bright cheerful resolve and a devil-may-care attitude about the various personae. Screw them all! I think. Let's just enjoy the day! :)
I guess we can't think about this stuff all the time or we'd a)go nuts and b)overanalyse every action, movement, gesture, tone and word we use -- overthink and overplan -- until we go crazy.
But don't you think that maybe the fake Dinah doeesn't hide the real one as much as you want or think she does? I mean, I could be wrong (often am...) but when I look at people I've gotten to know: I'm not usually TOTALLY wrong about my impressions. I always learn more, find the depths, the fears, the funny side, the thoughts, the prejudices...but sometimes their fake self doesn't REALLY hide it as well as they think it does. I'm sure it's that way for me, too: Despite all my talk of the genuine and the social jen, they're probably closer than I know.
Anyway, whichever Dinah posts here -- I like her. Send in the rest of them, too, but I'm willing to bet that they're all smart and cool. :)
All the JenStar(s)
PS - About what your T said about finding the true self: Sometimes when I'm fake I get angry at myself. Why should I have to censor the true self just because I feel weird about a situation? I mean, it's not like I'm psychotic or dangerous or creepy in the 'real me' -- I'm maybe just different from what I think the social norm might be. It wouldn't be BAD to be true to myself -- so why don't I do it more?
When I do it more, I feel great and energized and strong and happy. At those times, I think: Hey! That felt good!
I can't answer the questions about your hubby liking the other Dinah better. But...you DID say that you were feeling esp. depressed lately...are you SURE that isn't getting in the way here - maybe making you feel that when it might not be true? Sometimes when I get depressed I think I'm unlovable or less lovable. It sounds like you kind of do the same. It's wrong of me to presume to make judgements about your relationship (pls forgive!) -- just wanted to say that you're a cool person. Don't let sadness & tiredness blot out your pretty Dinah-ness. :)
> It doesn't even make any sense to me. I was very tired. I think the Provigil that has upped my productivity to almost acceptable levels has also disturbed my sleep pattern.
poster:JenStar
thread:380351
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040821/msgs/380967.html