Posted by Dinah on August 22, 2004, at 8:51:27
In reply to Re: The real Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on August 22, 2004, at 1:00:54
No, of course I don't hate it! I find it fascinating. I didn't realize that about hoarding. My therapist has said it's a form of OCD, but I can't feel any anxiety on the part of my mother, and it's hard to recognize OCD in her.
My therapist agrees with you about the depression part. And there's probably a fair amount of truth to it. And a lot of anxiety at what the future will bring. He thinks I shouldn't make any decisions right now, because he suspects any plans that are so *suddenly* different. I've been trying to pull away from him, go once instead of twice a week, because it's easier to let go and drift away from caring and from being genuine if I don't see him. But it is an idea that is consuming me. It seems so perfect. It seems like a way of killing everything in me that is real, but without the ethical considerations of causing harm to others through my actions. Because I don't see that many other than my therapist would care. My husband likes my false front better and makes that clear. I've never been particularly genuine with my son, because it's my philosophical belief that I shouldn't burden my son with genuineness (smile - I guess I wish my parents had put on more of a front for me. They were only tooooo real with me.) I emotionally divorced my mother long ago. My father is a giant two year old and always has been. He doesn't need me to be genuine with him, he needs me to take care of him. (You should have seen how jealous he was of my son, and how he still makes little digs at him. It makes my early childhood much easier to understand.) I haven't been genuine for years with my few remaining friends. Social situations are too stressful for me to be genuine. I was watching a video of my wedding shower yesterday (an event I have absolutely no recollection of despite the video), and I was struck with how well I did. I know for sure there wasn't a shred of genuineness in me, because that sort of situation would bring out the fakest me there is, yet I interacted far better than I really interact. So, other than my therapist, I can't think of anyone who would be affected by my action. So it seems like such a lovely solution. And it probably isn't permanent. It wasn't the first time. In a few years, when it doesn't hurt to be real, maybe I could try again.
I'm sorry to go on so. And very repetitively at that. And I know your well thought out post that I'm replying to is a perfect answer to this one as well. So please don't feel like you need to reply to this repeat post. :) I know I'm stuck in a thought loop, and I realize how very annoying that can be.
poster:Dinah
thread:380351
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040821/msgs/380759.html