Posted by Racer on July 30, 2004, at 23:12:06
In reply to Re: Have you ever heard of Temple Grandin? » Racer, posted by B2chica on July 30, 2004, at 16:41:36
Gotcha -- at least, as much as anyone can ever understand what's going on for someone else, I think I understand what you mean.
For what it's worth, it would have been easier to pull my husband's molars our with my bare hands than getting him to counseling was. The real incentive was that I collapsed into depression -- didn't get off the sofa for about four days straight, hardly ate, cried, couldn't talk -- but even that wasn't really enough to get us into counseling, it was just a wake up call that something had to happen. (Remember: I can't really remember much about this period. I was too far gone.) I think I probably just refused even to consider talking to him at all unless he went, but whatever it was, this much I remember: I told him that I couldn't communicate with him, and I needed someone to help me talk to him. That worked. (I think largely because I didn't say that it was a "we can't communicate" but "I can't communicate")
Once we were in therapy together, I said a few times that I thought it would help him to be in therapy alone, too. I told him that I could see the toll that my condition was taking on him, and that I was afraid he didn't have any support for himself. Obviously, my husband is a wonderful man, and willing to take a chance on these things, but he was resistant to the idea for a while before finally deciding that it really was a good idea. Again, I suggested it for very real reasons: I really could (and can) see the toll this is taking on him, and he really does need the support.
I think the biggest element in successfully getting my husband to both marriage counseling and individual therapy is that he's a really wonderful man -- I'll say right now that he's got more to do with our progress than I have -- but the second most important part is that it wasn't presented to him as something he was doing wrong. Now, truth be told, he did and does contribute to our problems -- if one wanted to assign blame, it's probably equal. But -- especially with the individual counseling -- having it presented to him as "support" and not "psychotherapy" really made a difference with him.
(And you might be careful about asking him to go to your therapist with you -- it might make him feel as if he's going to be ganged up on. Asking him to see a "marriage coach" sort of person might be easier on him.)
I hope some of that helps.
As for me, grueling, but it left me feeling as if I can get through my upcoming Scary Event -- even though she's gonna be gone next week for a family emergency! Talk about timing... Grueling but good.
poster:Racer
thread:372402
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/372542.html