Posted by DaisyM on July 31, 2004, at 12:31:47
In reply to Re: if the bridge leads to slaughter do you still go? » daisym, posted by Dinah on July 31, 2004, at 10:08:54
That is a great way to explain it: "acting as-if".
This is so very hard for most people to understand even though I observe that they do it a lot. Only they call it "respecting another's mood." LOL. No kidding.
I think most little spats do not have to be talked out. They just blow over, if you let them. And I think you make choices about whether the larger things that bother you can be changed. As you said, if someone isn't introspective, they aren't apt to become so because we wish it.
I don't want my children living in a battle ground. And it would be if I called my hubby on every thing he does that I think is hurtful or selfish. And I'm sure he could make his own list. And then there is the whole illness thing. I know what's coming. So does he. We try to not let our anxiety over that feed fights either. We go through long periods of quiet and then we will struggle and flare at each other for a while. And then it dies down again. I know this now. I've made a choice to stay in it, support him through it as best I can, hide from it when I need to and protect my children from most of it.
Most people think I'm either stupid, don't care enough about my own needs, or have some kind of a Martyr complex. It may be a little of all of these things but I also think this is the place I can apply the new thing my therapist is harping on: "good enough." It's also a better or worse thing for me -- I promised.
And honestly, I'm a private enough person that I don't want to share all that is going on with my feelings, my therapy and in my head, even with my own husband. I will feel intruded on. I need lots of personal space. So it definitely isn't just him.
But it is so hard for people who believe in totally honest communication to look at this and even begin to understand any of it. These are the people I try to remember to avoid saying anything bad about my husband to. Because then I end up defending him and/or my own choices of handling things. And I really hate that.
poster:DaisyM
thread:372402
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/372640.html