Posted by antigua on July 31, 2004, at 14:39:14
In reply to (((((((B2chica))))))), posted by Susan47 on July 31, 2004, at 10:37:52
Boy, can I relate to everything everyone wrote. Marriage is difficult as it is, and to add our problems on top of it make it, shall I say, a "unique" challenge.
My husband and I have been married more than 20 years and I've known him since I was 14 years old. He fell in love w/me first and he had to convince me that I was worth it. He is filled with hope and optimism (too much sometimes) for all the things I could accomplish IF I could just get over this.
He has been with me every step of the way, from when I first began to feel something was wrong, up until today as I struggle through difficult memories. He certainly hasn't understood it all. He has tried hard, but a lot of it is that I have had such a difficult time sharing it with him. The abuse has affected every part of our marriage--from difficulties with sexual intimacy to raising our children. He has always been there, which I certainly appreciate, but he hasn't understood very much unless I share it w/him.
I find it very difficult to share w/him. It makes him go ballastic toward my father (who is dead). My T says he carries the anger for me because I can't acknowledge it myself (for now anyway). But what happens is he makes me defensive toward my father where I feel like I have to defend him. He just gets blindingly angry at how this has affected our live.
Also, sharing w/him upsets him. I've found that balance that so many of you have in deciding what to share with him. I do this, primarily, because he just can't handle it. Period. He cannot handle it. I think it has something to do with his own male sexuality, but I'll take that on with him when I'm stronger. So if I share, especially when I'm upset, he gets upset because he can't fix it. He's big on control and this is a situation he cannot control.
That said, I've found that the more I can share with him, the better our relationship. He doesn't like being closed out and while I think I'm protecting him, he sees it as rejection.
I really don't worry very much about sharing with him so much anymore. I'm focused on me and I tell him he has to learn to handle it, because oftentimes he is just making things worse for me. He usually will listen and be compassionate. Later, he will blow up at one of the kids or come after me about something else (money for example). I see the direct connection, and I'm trying to help him see how this behavior affects me. If he's going to start an argument, why on earth would I confide in him? To his credit, he's getting it more now. Our relationship (and the sexual intimacy) is better than it's ever been, and I've known this guy for most of my life.
He's a good man and I appreciate his willingness to stick w/me, but--and listen up you guys--I am worth it. I am a very good person (as each and every one of you are) and I deserve, finally, to have a full life. I told my husband earlier this year, and I truly meant it, "This is me. Love me or leave me. Quit trying to change me. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a dissapointment to you and I no longer will feel inadequate." While I certainly wouldn't want him to leave me (those huge abandonment issues popping up) I know that I would survive. Things have been much better ever since. Not that we don't struggle w/it, but being able to use him to help me on my terms has lessened my load considerably.
thanks for listening through my tirade,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:372402
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/372668.html