Posted by B2chica on July 30, 2004, at 16:41:36
In reply to Have you ever heard of Temple Grandin? » B2chica, posted by Racer on July 30, 2004, at 15:27:55
(((((Racer)))))
i just had to give you some hugs cuz it sounds like you may need some.
i'm sorry you had such a rough session today. and don't worry about the words, i know where your heart is. you are a great person.i never meant to imply that i'm a cow (i could be a pig or a stinky sheep :) but when i was writing it it seemed like i was very trapped, that i only had two choices. sometimes when my mind is muttled it's all foggy and i can't see to find my way out.
unfortunately what makes all this so difficult is i do understand where my husband is coming from. I know this may sound childish but i know that he mostly doesn't even really care what i'm writing in my journal, it's the fact that when he walks in the room i cover it up, he gets mad that he can't see it. (and i cover it up cuz he'll sneak behind me and try to "peek" at it) Even if i would let him see it, he doesn't really care what's in it...it's that i won't let him see it. (i know this cuz i've written some bland stuff on purpose to "resistantly" let him read it- i thought it would avoid me feeling hurt and guilty for not sharing with him- he only half heartedly reads it and goes on.)
You are right on about the communication thing. He isn't very good at communication, but i've talked (tried to) about my needing the journal to help me heal and feel better and that the best way to help me at those times is to respect my privacy of this journal. when he know's i'm not feeling well he act supportive and say's he's there for me and wants me to talk to him so i try, but the minute i say anything ANYTHING dark or sad he either blames the music i listen to or the medication or the doctors or whatever. and i do know this is because he can't fix the pain, and i think he hates that he can't "DO" anything to change it. but i've told him it doesn't help me to pretend that i'm fine either.
But when you're so tired of fighting an uphill battle sometimes you just pick up the oponents clothing and put it on so you don't have to fight anymore. so there goes the "happy face" and all is right with the world. no...i realize that this doesn't help him or me or the marriage, but when i'm fighting not to cut, or fighting not to down a bottle of pills i only do what is ingrained in me and that is to mask it.
Always, always mask it.When i'm a little stronger i want to sit down with him...(once again) and try to work through this. try to see if there's anything i can do on my end to make it different, easier, so he understands.
I do like your comments about telling him "Honey, I know you feel as if I'm withdrawing from you... but I'm not rejecting you." i really like that statement.
and you mentioned validation, my problem is i'm Always offering validation to him, that i'm so concerned about him that i end up caving so that he won't hurt, or so that the argument will just END. but many times after about the first sentence he just says that "i always want to talk", or that i'm nagging...or that i'm "going on and on and on about it..."
Again, i think this is one of those things that i really just needed to vent out. that i just need time to back away and breathe. and take another stab (no morbid pun intended here) at it when i feel up to it.
(((Racer))) again, sorry you had such a grueling session. But it sounds like things are really working for you guys. I really think you inspired me and maybe...maybe i can talk him into going to a couple sessions with me to my T. so that we can talk about this there. Usually i can tell him something 100 times and it just won't sink in but if someone-third party- tells him he gets it. So maybe my T explaining my vulnerability and my need for privacy and talking out my hubby's feelings about that -could really help?
Thanks for the incentive.
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:372402
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/372445.html