Posted by B2chica on July 30, 2004, at 14:18:30
i need to write some stuff out. maybe it will help, maybe it won't. maybe there is advice and maybe there is no answer, just understanding.
The question that entangles my mind...i push people away. that's all i ever remember doing with friends and family. that's the only way i know. i'll never stop pushing them away. everyone. even babblers when i feel i get too close or i've said too much, i back away.
why won't anyone listen to me? what's wrong with me that i can't be heard? i've tried the "unspoken word", i've tried whispers, i've cried, i've injured (SI), i've tried casual, but mostly i've screamed. i've been screaming a gutteral brash scream from deep inside my soul for years, hell for decades. yet either no one hears, or no one listens, or no one cares. maybe some of all?
They say they support but they only hear words like "i'm fine", or "i'm better now". the other words float by like molecules bumping into nothing but eachother.
So i react. i push away. if i try all this and ...nothing. This is how i save myself, i protect myself. i don't see this as bad. i truly don't.
There are parts of my past, the ones that keep me up at night, the ones that make me embrace my knees and rock until the fear lessens, it are these that i want No One to know about, never my husband or others. Am i wrong in wanting that? if so...then maybe my husband is right and i am pushing him right out of this marriage.
i need to let out some pain, so i journal...yet he sees my privacy as "secrecy". sometimes i draw out my feelings, either literally or by using words with designs entangled....i don't let him look, then he may know...he sees this as me "acting childish" and pushing him away. i don't mean to push him away, but i understand how he feels that. i understand but i can't...won't change.It's very scary and confusing to me but him knowing will only add to my pain, i can't explain of it to him even if i wanted to, i'll be worrying about who he's telling, soon his whole family will know and i'll be wondering if they're looking at me differently, or if they're talking about me...i believe they would still love me....but... my husband, if the darkest truth came out- i don't know that he'd even believe me (which having to defend on top of re-living that pain would be too much) and soon he would need to tell my family...and i know that the minute that would happen i would do everything i could possibly do to die. and i mean that with every ounce of determination and every ounce of belief and every ounce of truth. I would use multiple methods in an unreachable location guaranteed.
So i guess, writing this out...i realize that what i'm doing is in a sense protecting myself. i think in my mind...that's ok. but...
So i guess the question is...is my protection more important than my marriage? God, i feel like i'm having to choose between the two. what scares me most is i know i'd sacrifice my needs for "ours" quickly, but i know exactly where it would end. where it would all....END.
So does an animal that knows the bridge leads to slaughter still go?b2c
poster:B2chica
thread:372402
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/372402.html