Posted by Karen_kay on February 3, 2004, at 16:25:35
In reply to Re: And another thing.. » Karen_kay, posted by Penny on February 3, 2004, at 12:24:11
As soon as you mentioned that I was Furious! I'm trying to, how you say overcome, ignore, disguise, yes I believe disguise would be the word. my black and white thinking.... I'm dx BPD and any mention of the characteristics or traits throws me into a rage. I can't concentrate, I can't see straight, I can't focus... I go batty I tell you! Of course, I'm being overly dramatic :)
But, if I open myself up to someone that much, how could it not tear me apart to lose them? You must remember I'm still a child of sorts. Think of me being dropped of at daycare and not knowing whether mommy will ever return to pick me up. That's how I would feel. Pouring my heart and soul out to someone only to find a swift "Goodbye, take care. I'll never see you again, but I hope you have a good life." I honestly would be crushed. For the first time to become emotionally attached to someone, someone who says, "It's OK to be needy" and I become needy (Ugh! the thought makes my stomach curl!) only to leave and never see that person again... Knowing that they know all of my "deep dark secrets" that I've been too afraid to ever tell another person. The person that has helped me become a better person. The person who has said that it's OK to talk about things I've never been able to talk about and at the same time told em it wasn't my fault. And actually made me believe it... And then to lose that person..... Oh my!
Maybe it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm naive and still kinda believe in "that one person." There are the people I'll take in the meantime while I'm waiting for Prince Charming.
I've stayed with my boyfriend because we get along. I honestly think the problems that we do have are my fault. And I hope that through therapy, I'll e able to solve them. I'm certain that he's a great guy. And he has all the qualities I'd be looking for. But, I'm just not happy. I'm holding on to the fact that it's my fault. And waiting for something better... This relationship is comfortable and I'm used to it. From the outside we make a very nice couple. But, we both know I'm not happy. I think he's holding onto the hope that it's my fault as well, that therapy will solve things too.... It's only making us avoid eachother now..
And I do have the same problem with friends really. I don't really open up with them either. I feel like they're bugging me constantly with their problems. I don't annoy them with mine, so why do they do that. I know it sounds awful. I love my sisters, but I don't really tell them what's going on in my life either. Well, I have one sister thatI wouldn't trade for anything in the world... The rest I could do without (Oh, I'm so mean...) As for my friends, it's really the same thing...
poster:Karen_kay
thread:308879
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040131/msgs/308965.html