Posted by Penny on February 3, 2004, at 12:24:11
In reply to And another thing.., posted by Karen_kay on February 3, 2004, at 11:45:34
Not to sound too much like Bubba - but what you said about how you don't want to be ultra-dependent, and how maybe it's easier to not get attached at all (my phrasing, of course) is, to me, an example of black and white thinking (I call it all or nothing thinking in therapy). I say that because - Karen, you don't have to be obsessed with your boyfriend/hubby/SO to be emotionally attached to him! And I don't by any means think that Bubba intends for you to be so emotionally attached to anyone that it would absolutely tear you apart to lose that person.
Perhaps instead of thinking of this as a problem with emotional attachment, it would help instead to think of being with someone that you are happy with (really and truly, at least most of the time) and who does have enough of the desirable traits that you wouldn't seriously consider leaving him if 'something better', i.e. someone with more of the desirable traits than your mate, came along.
No one is perfect. And if you're basing your decision to be with your bf on things other than love, which, IMO, you're too young to do, then you do need to look long and hard at the reasons behind that. Yes, there are many reasons to have a mate - love, sex, financial security, a partner to help raise children, someone to share a home with, companionship, etc. etc. and so on. And we won't all have all of these things all the time with our partner, though ideally it would be the case (I think).
At your age, what is it that is keeping you with your bf? Is it just to have someone? (since you say you're not emotionally attached to him...)
I don't find this to be evidence of your inability to form an emotional attachment, but it does make me wonder if you are totally holding back, probably for fear of getting hurt. And, yes, it would be beneficial to form an emotional bond with your therapist, even (and perhaps especially) knowing that the relationship will end at some point. ALL relationships end at some point - either through your death or his death or divorce or break-up or whatever. But they ALL will end at some point. I think of the therapeutic relationship, in a way, as being a microcosm of our other longer-term relationships (not that some of them aren't pretty darn long-term too!).
Anyway, I guess what I'm saying, though probably not very clearly, is that you can love and be attached to someone without losing yourself/your identity, without becoming obsessed or controlling, without being totally codependent or jealous or worried that he's cheating or whatever. At least, I hope so, as I can't speak from experience...
Keep in mind, that I'm pretty much repeating advice from my own T's...right now I just avoid any and all romantic emotional attachments due to trust issues...
Do you have the same problem with emotional attachments to friends? If so, that might be a safer place to start exploring the issue than in the romantic dept.
P
poster:Penny
thread:308879
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040131/msgs/308904.html