Posted by StillHopefull on May 3, 2010, at 20:18:59
Why oh why did I ever think that I could be ok without my meds? I have taken ADs alone and in combination for over 20 years - and they seem to work pretty well for 2-4 years or so. Then the depression creeps back in. When I realize the meds have quit working, I really get depressed. The ordeal of trying a new med (or meds), finding one that works, getting the right dose, dealing with the side effects... You KNOW what I'm talking about.
I had been taking 60mg (YES 60mg) of Lexapro, 50mg desipramine, 150mg trazodone, and 40mg Adderal XR for about 5 years. At the beginning 20 years ago I started with trazodone and was eventually up to 300mg - I could hardly wake up in the morning but the depression seemed to be gone. Then it came back. Dr weaned me off that and started me on Serzone. That worked for a few years but then quit working. I slowly reduced that drug while adding Effexor. Effexor seemed to work but again after about 3 years I was depressed again. Then I started on Celexa. And getting off Effexor was the WORST - I'm talking psychotic episode... Anyway when the Celexa started pooping out, instead of stopping that and starting with a new drug, Dr decided to start adding drugs. First desipramine, and then later trazodone. Oh - the Adderal was started way back about 15 years ago for ADD. When the depression started creeping back again, Dr replace Celexa with Lexapro - first 20mg, then 40mg, and when I was still depressed it was 60mg. That seemed to do the trick.
Looking back, I think it was in August of 2009 I starting getting depressed again. After moving across the country and working with a new Psy Doc I wasn't crazy about, oh no. The new Dr wanted to keep me on my current cocktail and just increase the desipramine - but wanted me to get an EKG as he was worried about my heart. Great! All these drugs are going to damage my heart! And I struggled with all the "normal" side effects - NO sex drive, NO bowel movements (and only producing goat pellets when I did have one), weight gain (I am a big fat cow now). I thought what the heck - maybe I should just stop taking these drugs. I slowly reduced the dosages over a period of six months (living hell) and have been drug free since the end of January. Now my depression is back with a vengeance... After all my struggling and suffering to get off the meds! Is there any hope at all that I can beat this thing without drugs? I think about suicide a lot, but would NEVER actually do myself in. I love my family too much to do that to them. But I am totally worthless this way - can't work, can't sleep, can't get out of bed, don't want to bathe, etc. etc.
I really thought that if I could get the meds completely out of my system, if I could deal with the withdrawal and be done with it, I would have a "clean" brain to deal with. Are all my neuropathways messed up for good? Did all those drugs do it? I have an appointment with a naturopath tomorrow and am going to try biofeedback. I'm also taking 5-htp.
Is there any hope or should I just find a psy dr I like better and get back on meds?
Thanks!
poster:StillHopefull
thread:946156
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100425/msgs/946156.html