Posted by StillHopefull on May 6, 2010, at 13:15:55
In reply to Re: Lou's reply-, posted by polarbear206 on May 6, 2010, at 10:45:11
I have enjoyed the discourse my original post prompted. The support is wonderful and the discussions are thought-provoking and insightful.
To begin using meds or not - to continue them or not - there is never a simple answer. As a teenager in the late sixties and early seventies I was a regular marijuana user. I don't recall being depressed, although looking back I suffered with ADD (not ADHD - I had the dreamy, calm attention deficit). I continued to use marijuana several times a day until my early 30s - was able to raise a child (quite successfully I can brag), maintain a household (although I wasn't the cleanest house on the block), and go to work as an office manager and bookkeeper. I usually held a job for several years before I got bored and went on to something else. I also did a lot of volunteer work for various agencies as well as my church and my daughter's school. Throughout all these years I always felt tired and "lazy" - I took a lot of naps on the weekend. When I would mention this to my GP, he would test my thyroid and my iron level and assure me nothing was wrong. One night I was complaining to a dr friend who said, "you have depression" What? I don't feel sad. He explained that depression is a physical thing and not in my head. Of course, he didn't know about the pot smoking...
I pretty much poo-pooed that information, but then I went through a very sad and disturbing incident - a dear friend's grown daughter was dying of leukemia. I went to visit and ended up staying and helping care for the patient till she died. She passed away at home, there was a hospice nurse once a day, my friend was occupied with her grandchildren (only 2 & 3 yrs old), so I was the one providing ALL the care. It was a horrific scene at the end - the poor girl screamed in agony and I pumped so much morphine into her port-a-cath that I couldn't believe she didn't die.
Needless to say, after that I was REALLY depressed. This young woman - my friend's daughter with two toddlers - struck down so brutally at only 23 years old. So I saw my first psychiatrist. I took one of those "funny" personality tests - I think it was the MMPI. Then this dr said I needed to stop smoking pot, and we could treat the depression. I was referred to a drug counselor and went through about 6 weeks of outpatient treatment to get off pot. At that point the P-doc started me on trazodone. Looking back, I wonder why he didn't just wait and see what would happen if I stayed clean - without any medication. Or why he didn't recommend regular psychotherapy. I wonder now if I really had Major Depression, or understandable sadness over what had just happened.
Well, that was my beginning with ADs. I saw that first doctor regularly every 3 months for a "medication check". I have to say that the depression lifted - whether it was the meds or just time, who knows. But good ole Dr #1 NEVER suggested that I stop taking the meds. In fact whenever I mentioned that I wasn't feeling quite well, he upped the dose. When he retired I picked Dr #2 from the insurance list and he happily kept my rX refilled without much discussion - and if I mentioned that I felt bad, again he upped the dose. Around this time I read an article about adult ADD in Time magazine. I told the dr that sounded a lot like me and he said, "Well, lets try some Ritalin and see what happens". So that was the start of drug #2. Five mg of Ritalin didn't do much but when it was upped to 10mg, I felt GREAT. But wouldn't anyone feel great on 10mg of Ritalin?
Eventually I was taking 300mg of trazodone and had a LOT of trouble getting up in the morning. The Ritalin helped with that a lot! But I started feeling a little "down", had trouble motivating, and generally felt lazy. At this point I was tapered off trazodone and started on Serzone and I felt "better" again. Why didn't this "expert" pause to consider that I felt down, unmotivated, and lazy because I was sedated with too much trazodone?
And the pattern continued - over time Serzone dose was upped to the max, eventually pooped out and Effexor XR was started. Effexor pooped out and Celexa was started. And I feel sorry for anyone tapering off of Effexor - what a nightmare. Yet "they" continue to say ADs aren't "addictive". WTF. When Celexa started to poop out, desipramine was added. Then when I had trouble sleeping trazodone was thrown in. In the meantime I switched from Ritalin to Adderal XR and was eventually taking 40mg. And I ask again - who wouldn't feel good taking that much speed???? Later the Celexa was replaced with Lexapro... And each time the drugs were changed, it was after the dosages were slowly increased to the maximum (and sometimes beyond) what was recommended by the manufacturer. At the end I was up to 60mg of Lexapro.
My husband got a great job opportunity and we moved across the country. I worried about finding a p-doc that would refill my prescriptions. Hah! No problemo! When I started to feel "bad" again, Dr. #3 suggested increasing my desipramine but wanted me to have an EKG to make sure my heart could handle it. Apparently too much desipramine can be hard on your heart. That was like a wake up call. What was I letting "them" do to me?
Now here is what I wonder - I medicated myself with marijuana for years and managed to function fairly well. I know the pot couldn't have been good for my motivation and I know I would have done better in school without it, but I still managed to maintain a 3.5 grade pt avg, then keep a job, be a mom and wife, and run a household.
Then when I went through a really traumatic experience that would have depressed ANYONE - the first thing suggested by an "expert" was to quit the pot (ok - that was probably a good idea no matter what), and "here, take this pill. It will fix you right up". There was never a suggestion of traditional psychotherapy, and there was NEVER any mention of taking the trazodone for 6 months and then stopping. Why not?
So I wonder if I really needed the meds in the first place. And then all the years - almost 20 YEARS of being on all kinds of different, powerful, psychoactive drugs. How has this changed my brain chemistry? And is it permanent?
I tell you honestly - before I started taking these drugs I NEVER felt as bad as I do right now. And yes, when the drugs were working I must say I felt great. But when the drugs stop working, and I have to go through the withdrawal while stopping one, and enduring the side effects while starting a new drug, I have never felt worse.
I even tried smoking some pot recently and I must say it made me feel a little better. I live in a state that allows pot for medical use so it's pretty easy to get. But there is no consistency in strength, and some of the stuff out there now is SO strong. The second batch I got didn't EVEN have the same "happy" effect - just made me feel dopey and depressed as ever. And how can I look for a job with marijuana in my system - everyone drug tests now...
So now here I am - over 50 yrs old, barely able to function, no motivation, no job, blah, blah, blah... If it wouldn't hurt my family so much I would kill myself. But I would never do that to them. I'm not a cruel person.
Did my years of medication do this to me? Or did my years of medication PREVENT me from feeling like this for all those years? What I do know is that I can't endure much more.
Does someone have any information about how long it takes for my brain to recover from all the drugs? It's been 3 months since I've taken anything, but the naturopath I'm seeing for neurofeedback said she can still see traces of the meds in my EEG. Is that even possible? The skeptic in me doesn't think so...
As a follow-up to my neurofeedback treatment two days ago. I still don't feel like crying.
Thanks for letting me vent. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.
poster:StillHopefull
thread:946156
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100504/msgs/946555.html