Posted by RN320 on August 12, 2006, at 11:17:14
I've had a major depressive disorder with psychotic features which came on very suddenly in spring of 2001. I have been labeled as treatment resistant. I am on EMSAM, Geodon and Seroquel. I thought that things were going better on the EMSAM, and because of that, my psychiatrist increased my dose to the 9mg patch a couple of weeks ago.
Ever sice the depression started I've had chronic suicidal ideation. It comes and goes, and it seems like every time it's here I take additional steps to put things in order since I really don't want to be a burden to my family and friends when it happens. It's almost like a foregone conclusion to me. I've already seen a lawyer, filed a will, readied a quit claim deed so that my mom can sell my home without difficulties, put my mom on all bank accounts etc, given lots of things away, gotten in touch with a lot of people that I haven't spoken to for a long time through cards and letters, and a host of other things. I have to stay away from the water when I'm driving because there's a strong urge to drive into it. Yet I cannot imagine any more horrible death than by drowning....it just makes no sense. I make sure that my gas tank is full so that when I need to, I can just take my cats and get into the car in the garage and hopefully go to sleep.
I've been hospitalized many times in the early years of this, I'm told that I went through ECT that was terminated in the middle of the series because they say I was too confused. I don't do well in the hospital- I become more frightened and withdrawn.....for that reason my psychiatrist and psychologist have tried really hard to keep me out of the hospital since 2003. I really like and respect both of my docs and feel that I get good care from them.
When I try to talk to my psychologist about this, he tells me that "it's the illness talking, not you" and that he doesn't feel that I'm the "type" whatever that means, to actually carry through and kill myself. I hope that he's right when I have moments like this where I'm not having these strong thoughts and urges. But when I'm in those kind of moments I feel like it's really not in my control. In the last couple of weeks I'm feeling these urges more often and they seem to be more intense....at times I feel such a sense of desperation. And the odd thing is- the EMSAM had been working well enough that my dose is now higher these last couple of weeks. My family, friends and doctors have all noticed a much lighter mood since this dose change. On the inside, I feel a certain sense of peace right now that it's all going to be over soon. I'm glad that my family's memories of me will be happier ones than the bulk of the past 5 years would have been by themselves.
I think that if my psychiatrist knew how really bad these feelings are right now- he'd throw me into the hospital. I think that my psychologist is probably so used to hear me talk about these feelings- he's always encouraged it- that he probably thinks that I'm being a drama queen or something like that. He has always told me that I'm not going to do it. (If I'm not, then why did I sit for hour upon hour and open hundreds and hundreds of capsules and crush hundreds of pills to put in a tuperware container so I have a back up plan in case the carbon monoxide fails?) I haven't felt like I wanted to talk to him about this the last couple of weeks.Do people get some sort of notice when they're actually going to end their life? I don't think that there's anything left for me to plan or take care of, so I think and on most days hope that the big finish could be coming very soon. I posted a note on my favorite dress in the closet yesterday that just says "this one!" so hopefully that's what someone will choose to bury me in. I feel kind of silly asking this, because clearly anyone reading this is alive so maybe no one knows. How do you get the motivation to capitalize on the moment and finish what you know is inevitable? This illness has just dragged on for so long and I'm so very tired. I'm ready for it to be over for good....for everyone's sake. I'm sorry to babble for so long but I figure if anyone has some insight on this that maybe they'd be willing to share it.
Thank you. /m
poster:RN320
thread:675823
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060810/msgs/675823.html