Posted by purplesky on August 12, 2006, at 17:40:40
In reply to How do you know when you're really going to do it?, posted by RN320 on August 12, 2006, at 11:17:14
Well, I'm not entirely sure what to say, but I'll tell you some of my experience and observations and give you some advice. I'm certainly not an expert and there are others here that are likely better equipped to help you in your situation, and in no way I mean any harm so I hope not to offend you in any way whatsoever. Anyway....
I think there are really 2 reasons behind suicidal thoughts
1. The pain/anguish/suffering/etc. is so bad that the person wants to end their own suffering, sort of like a mercy killing.
2. The person actively hates him/herself and wishes to inflict murder on this person as a punishment.
My experience is more with the latter of the two. I actively hated myself and felt like I was this evil person that deserved to be killed. I'm not sure if things would have been different or not had I felt differently.
I am a "fretter" by nature. I find it difficult to make decisions, I worry a lot, and I tend to change my mind about 50 times before I finally make a decision, if ever. When I chose to kill myself, I was feeling particularly impulsive. I think the impulsivity was a red flag. I found myself doing things without thinking or caring about the consequences for a couple weeks before my attempt. I had very little energy and slept most of the time, but when I went out I would buy things that I didn't really want, I would drive more recklessly, and I would say things I didn't mean. I didn't even write a letter or make any preparations--I'd had suicidal thoughts for a long time and never acted on them. I don't think I had actually planned to kill myself until I tried.
Now, I know that if I'm feeling that impulsive without feeling happy, I'm at risk. I make sure that I stay around friends and that I always have fun things scheduled in the near future. If I have, say, a ticket to a show on Friday, then I'm less likely to kill myself on Wednesday. Make sense? I noticed that I felt much better if I kept things light--no drama movies or heated conversations, just comedy and jokes and cute things in my life when I'm feeling bad.
What I didn't realize until afterward, my boyfriend (who is also my best friend, and we've been dating for several years now) was mad at me for the attempt. I didn't really think of this in the 3rd person until he told me, but I had just tried to murder his girlfriend. Of course, he would be hurt at whoever was trying to take the love of his life away from him. I know that he didn't deserve to lose his beloved girlfriend, and if his girlfriend had been murdered he would be devastated. This train of thought really made the guilt for trying to kill myself outweigh the guilt I felt for being alive, so the balance swayed a bit toward self-preservation.
Another idea that helps to keep me from killing myself is that there are people who deserve to be on this earth a lot less than I do. Sure, I hate myself on most days, but I haven't raped or murdered anyone. I'm not as bad of a person as I sometimes think. If those people have the right to be alive on this earth, then I certainly do.
Something that also helps sometimes, especially with my motivation (and severe lack thereof) is that I have debts to pay to the earth. There are people out there who have been nice to me, and who I need to be nice back to, there's money that I've spent that I haven't paid back, there's my parents who took care of me and eventually I need to take care of them, things like that. Even if it's not something tangible, there's still love that I have felt in my life that I need to pass on to other people, and I can't do that if I'm dead.
Alright, my brain is beginning to zone out, and I know I had some other things that helped me along the way that I didn't mention. If I think of them I'll add them.
If you think you feel even a little better with your medication, why don't you try hanging in there just a little longer? You don't have to think about how you will be years from now, or even days from now, just live until tomorrow, then find a way to do it again. I think one of the best things you could do for yourself to stay safe is to be around people 24/7. If no one is home, go for a walk at the park, go to Barnes and Noble and read a good book, go to a funny movie, go window shopping at the mall, something like that. Get some sunlight if you haven't gone out much. You don't have to feel social and interact with other people, just make sure that you're somewhere that people can see you. Be nice to yourself.
poster:purplesky
thread:675823
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060810/msgs/675880.html