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OCD Dont know where to go

Posted by Bill82 on January 30, 2015, at 20:56:23

This will be a large post, but given as I am desperate for help and relief I hope it is ok, and I hope you will read it because I honestly need input. As this is my first post I will also introduce myself. My name is Bill82, and I am a 20 year old male who has extreme Sexual/Violent Ocd. My story starts about a year and a half ago in the summer of 2013. At the time I really wanted to enlist after college, and was really scared of anything that could jeopardize my dreams and goals in the military. One such obstacle that I face was the dreaded medical dq you experience at MEPS(Military Entrance and Processing). Subsequently I started to overly attend and worry about my health and how i could be dqed. As a compulsion I researched for reassurance. However, this was the period of time when my research became obsessive, and I seemingly couldn't shake off the "what if". Life went on and I went back to school in the fall, and things quited down. However, I had my first sexual experience and subsequently became deathly afraid I had aquired HIV, Herpes, or would father a child(Even though I used protection, I was also drunk at the time). Thsi became worse and worse, yet I continued to excels at school. A month later I had onset of mycoplasma pneumonia(which has a dormancy of around 1 month and requires bodily contact to acquire). I had a high fever of 104 for several days and my OCD exploded and I no longer felt normal. OCD before this was breif what ifs that lasted a minute and I could brush off for days, now it was constant and terrifying. I subsequently came home from school and continued to deteriorate with a number of obsessions(that I now look back on saying wtf?) until I was disabled and hosue bound and in constant terror with sexual and violent obbsessions. I have tried CBT exp and honestly cannot do it, as I become not only suicidal and depressed but more worried and anxious. I have been to Mclean OCDI institute and failed. As for medication, which I am hoping can provide me some stability before this disease gets the best of me, I have tried many and am on my last legs so to speak in terms of finding help. I will now list reactions and effects of each medicine I Have tried.
-Lorazapam-drunken worried state, drug seeking behavior, grandiose planning, drug overdose
-Klonopin-same thing
-Valium-Same thing
Also experience extreme withdraws after each.

Serotinergic Drugs-
-Mirtazipine-violent rages and sudden weight gain
-Prozac-Rash, inability to urinate, extreme anxious state(could be benzo withdrawl), vocal tic onset(went away after discontinuing), Impotence
-Luvox-Priapism, extreme sadness,emotional, apathy, reclusive, vivid dreams, Impotence, vocal tic
-Paxil-(when younger for anxiety) induced Hand washing within 3 days, after stopping never came back
-Zoloft- akethsia, Impotence, agitation/anxiety
-Lexapro- Impotence, increased sadness and OCD vocal tic
-Cymbalta-vocal tic, extreme stupor, extreme anxiety, Impotence
-Brintellix-Urinary Incontinence, Impotence, Depression, extreme vocal tics(longest one I have been on 4 months) Dumbness/ memory loss that persists
-Ondansetron-no side effects, but 2 months worth didn't do anything
-Buspar-brain zaps

Anti psychotics
-Abilify- akeasthia, stomach pain, worsened ocd
-Risperidone- drooling, violent rages, extreme dumbness

-Memantine-Urinary Incontinence,Extreme Impotence, took for over two months at 20mg and saw no benefit
-Lamictal-apathy(could tell me my house burned down and I would say ok) and subsequently worsened ocd

Folic Acid-
-Deplin- induces a severe depression after 2-4 hours after dosing. Repeatable and dont believe to be placebo, as each time I redosed I blew it off as placebo and it happened again. Bad enough depression to make me go seek out alchohal to drink it away,

Other notes
-Initially smoking ciggarettes made me feel great and I got high off them. This gradually went away until nothing happened. I subsequently quit about 3/4 a pack a day smoking for 4 months with no problem(Have read studies that say this is relevant to ocd)
-Alchohal obliterates my ocd and I feel confident again and my fears disapear, except I am drunk. My father was also an ex alcoholic, and every time I drink I usually black out, so I have been trying not to drink at all. Ocd extreme the next day too.
-Currently receiving IVIG treatment to possibly rule out PANDAS or PANS. Currently receiving 2g/kg each month. Has been 2 months. Was told I would see results in 8-9 months.
-Marijuanna severely worsens ocd, until I become apathetic to everything in which case I just dont do anything, I dont smoke marijuana, have only experimented.
-Morphine I received in hospital greatly reduced ocd....but we know where that leads, also ocd became extreme after stopping my prescribed percocets was terrible

About if, overall, my ocd is extreme, and I dont know where to turn and neither do my drs. I have not tried clomipramine as I already get anticholinergic side effects from ssris so I can only imagine with that stuff. Also as my OCD revolves around sex, having good sexual health and ability to me is important, otherwise my ocd explodes and I will be in the shower for 4 hours till I bleed where the sun dont shine...
Anyone have any ideas or at least thoughts of encouragements, I for the first time in my life am starting to feel hopeless, and am starting to believe I wont make it out of this alive.




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