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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Dinah on September 14, 2010, at 17:20:19
In reply to My pdoc doesn't support me!, posted by Deneb on September 14, 2010, at 14:41:13
It sounds like she's supporting you as best she can. I support your pdoc in supporting you.
Posted by Deneb on September 14, 2010, at 18:44:56
In reply to Why do you say that?, posted by Dinah on September 14, 2010, at 17:20:19
Pdoc seems to think I'm on the verge of getting an eating disorder. Maybe she is right. I'm afraid to eat more than 1000 kcal most days.
I don't want to be unhealthy. I want to live to be 120.
I definitely don't want to go back to my binging and purging. That was hell.
Confession time: My pdoc said she was going to weigh me next time I see her and now I want to lose as much weight as I can until then. I don't care if I do this not healthily. I don't want her to see how fat I am.
Posted by jane d on September 14, 2010, at 20:41:52
In reply to A little worried, posted by Deneb on September 14, 2010, at 18:44:56
> Pdoc seems to think I'm on the verge of getting an eating disorder. Maybe she is right. I'm afraid to eat more than 1000 kcal most days.
...
> I don't care if I do this not healthily. I don't want her to see how fat I am.
Could this be exactly what has her concerned?
Posted by Deneb on September 16, 2010, at 19:28:42
In reply to Pdoc's concerns » Deneb, posted by jane d on September 14, 2010, at 20:41:52
I hope I lost a lot of weight!
It seems like the less I eat, the less hungry I am. I'm afraid to eat more for fear of it making me hungry.
I've been bad, all I had was a sweet potato today and I'm hoping my hunger doesn't come and that will be all I eat today.
My weekly average calories went from a little over 1000 kcal to just over 800 kcal today.
I'm starting to fall off the CR wagon. I need to eat more fruits and vegetables and healthy foods to be doing CR. Just one sweet potato is not enough nutrition.
I think I will make some zucchini later.
Posted by Deneb on September 17, 2010, at 20:44:21
In reply to I weigh myself in 2 days!, posted by Deneb on September 16, 2010, at 19:28:42
I ate a healthy amount of calories today. Eating more makes me hungrier.
I'm making a sweet potato right now and my Mom is triggering me. She told me I will get fat eating sweet potatoes. I read that sweet potato is very nutritious and that is why I am eating it.
I feel so fat now. I want her to see me as being thin. I need to be underweight. I hate myself. I won't stop losing until she thinks I'm too thin.
Posted by Deneb on September 18, 2010, at 16:55:05
In reply to I ate too much » Deneb, posted by Deneb on September 17, 2010, at 20:44:21
OMGosh, I binged so badly today! Eating normally yesterday triggered my appetite BIG time! I'm eating like there will not be food for months.
I had almost a whole family sized bag of Tostitos tortilla chips, 2 slices of cheese cake, 2 chicken strips, a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a bunch of prunes (I hate prunes but today they tasted good!). I just woke up at 4:00 PM and I haven't stopped eating since. It is now 5:44 PM and I think I am finally full. I ate so many calories! I didn't weigh anything so I will just have to estimate.
Protein and low carb will get my appetite back into control. At this point, I'll do CR again once I get my appetite back into control.
I also weighed myself and I didn't lose as much as I had hoped I would. I weigh 117.8 pounds now. One month ago I was 122.4. I only lost 4.6 pounds. My rate of weight loss has halved. I'm sure it is from a slowed metabolism. At least my rate of loss is more healthy now.
What is it about eating normally that triggers binging?!
I could not control myself! I couldn't stop eating!
Posted by Deneb on September 18, 2010, at 23:19:04
In reply to Binge!, posted by Deneb on September 18, 2010, at 16:55:05
I ate so much my stomach hurt and I had no choice but to purge to relieve myself. I think I purged some of the food I ate earlier too. I lost a LOT of fluids.
I can't let myself binge again.
Pdoc will be displeased.
Posted by ed_uk2010 on September 19, 2010, at 13:46:45
In reply to Purge :-(, posted by Deneb on September 18, 2010, at 23:19:04
Deneb be careful, you really shouldn't.
Posted by Deneb on September 19, 2010, at 17:43:44
In reply to Re: Purge :-(, posted by ed_uk2010 on September 19, 2010, at 13:46:45
Yesterday's binging and purging was a wake up call. It seems that my pdoc is right and excessive restriction will lead to binging. I want to do CR, real CR, not eat like an anorexic. In real CR, eating 600 kcal a day is not normal. I was pretty much deluding myself into thinking I was doing CR.
I want to avoid going down the b/p road no matter what it takes. Binging and purging is total hell. If increasing my calories back to a normal dieting amount is what it takes, so be it. I'd rather not do CR at all than go through binging and purging again.
I think I'm doing OK today, I'm going to aim to eat 1200 to 1300 kcal. I think that is a healthy normal amount for dieting.
I will still try to follow the principles of CR and eat nutrient dense foods.
Posted by Deneb on September 19, 2010, at 21:39:01
In reply to Wake up call, posted by Deneb on September 19, 2010, at 17:43:44
It's not as bad as yesterday. I think I'm up to 1700 kcal now, but still, my goal was 1200 to 1300! I hate this! I'm a fat pig! Pdoc is going to weigh me in a week and I'm eating too much! I want to go back to restricting and having self control!
I think I need to fast tomorrow. If I can even fast! I need to gain control again! I'm so fat. I think I gained the 5 pounds I lost this weekend.
I'm going on a green tea fast for 24 hours. Then I will let myself eat for 2 hours then fast for another 24 hours.
Ahhhh! What if that just makes my binging worse?
I don't know what to do. :-(
I just want to be thin and live a long life.
I think I need to read my CR books again for inspiration. Somehow I have gotten it into my mind that eating ad lib is OK. Eating ad lib is not OK! I need to control myself!
I'm going to try the fasting for a bit, just to get my appetite under control again. Green tea! I need to remember to drinks lots and lots of green tea!
Posted by glydin50 on September 20, 2010, at 10:22:48
In reply to I hate this, I ate too much again!, posted by Deneb on September 19, 2010, at 21:39:01
My child is your age so that tells how long my experience is, FWIW.
Restrictive eating is no badge of honor nor discipline for me. I have tried many wacky eating plans over the years. I do not have an ED, which might make my opinions of no value in your situation... BUT, just to share.... If I have low BSLs and begin ketosis, I feel awful. If I obsess over my eating, I feel awful. If I don't fuel my body properly, I feel awful. Starvation mode does not fair well with my body and sabotages my goals.
The Weight Watchers plan is my go to to get on track. It works for my needs. I have needed to regroup from time to time. It has not failed me yet....
The only long term solution for me is balance, portion control, variety and adding HEALTHY doses of activity. Otherwise, it doesn't work for me.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 21, 2010, at 1:04:56
In reply to A little worried, posted by Deneb on September 14, 2010, at 18:44:56
While I understand why a person would worry about their body composition I still don't get why you care how much you weigh.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_composition
Amid all the controversy there is a pretty standard line on eating healthy.
You might find this history of diet fads interesting:
Posted by glydin50 on September 21, 2010, at 5:08:31
In reply to The Longevity Diet - book review, posted by Deneb on August 31, 2010, at 1:41:57
Maybe your pdoc can suggest a consult with a Registered Dietitian - note not a "Nutritionist" -to help you determine if the plan you would like to follow is sound. They would be able to advise you on the pros and cons.
One needs only to visit a used book store and view the rooms and rooms of Diet and Eating Plan books to determine that what was once all the rage didn't cut it in actual use. In addition, eating plans making questionable claims should be suspect and investigated further, imo.
Posted by Deneb on September 21, 2010, at 17:44:56
In reply to I can only speak from my experience » Deneb, posted by glydin50 on September 20, 2010, at 10:22:48
I actually don't think there is much of a difference between CR and Weight Watcher's. I've done Weight Watcher's before. Both restrict calories and both focus on fruits and vegetables.
Argh, I've regained 3 pounds since my last weigh in. I've been eating like there is no tomorrow. I really need to get this under control! My pdoc warned me about binge eating disorder. I really hope I am not developing that. On the positive side, I have not purged.
I think I need to do a fruits and vegetables "fast". Fasting with tea has been a total failure. I just can't water fast! I'm going to stuff myself with fruits and vegetables. Eat really low calorie foods practically non stop.
Posted by Glydin50 on September 22, 2010, at 10:55:16
In reply to Re: I can only speak from my experience » glydin50, posted by Deneb on September 21, 2010, at 17:44:56
There are some really good eating plans out there. Some really crappy ones too. Those that don't dismiss entire food groups and are designed to fuel my body & brain work the best and are the most realistic for my needs.
I admittedly do not know a great deal about eating disorders nor body dysmorphism disorders. I think your pdoc and folks here want to encourage you in a healthy eating plan and also want to help those pans to not be problematic for you if there is a history of an ED being an issue.
I hope your plans can fare out to an overall great advantage for you.
Posted by Deneb on September 23, 2010, at 1:52:18
In reply to Re: I can only speak from my experience » Deneb, posted by Glydin50 on September 22, 2010, at 10:55:16
I finally got my eating under control again. I think it took a combination of oversleeping, anxiety and a bit of depression.
I went nearly the whole day on just 4 slices of pickles today and then decided I should eat something. I had 250 kcal of liquid egg with cheese.
I plan on eating less than 300 kcal a day for at least 5 days. Pdoc will weigh me on Tues. and I want to be as light as I can for it. I don't want her to see how fat I am.
Today I weigh 118.6 pounds. I'm hoping to be 113 by Tues. It is ambitious, I know, but I will try nonetheless.
I think I need to cycle my calories, not be too low for too long. I seem to stop losing weight if I eat too little for too long.
I am also planning on being in ketosis for at least 5 days. I want to be in fat burning mode.
I'm feeling good about this. I'm finally in control again!
Posted by Dinah on September 23, 2010, at 10:01:50
In reply to I finally stopped eating!, posted by Deneb on September 23, 2010, at 1:52:18
Since your pdoc is worried about your eating plan, and is weighing you for that reason, I wonder if you've thought about your motivations.
Is it purely that you don't want her to think you're fat? She sees you all the time. Whatever she thinks about your usual weight, that's unlikely to change with the scales. Is it that you don't want her to think she has no need to worry? If you're planning to do what she specifically is asking you not to do to "impress" her, what are you trying to impress her with? That you need her help? That she needs to care for you by being concerned for you?
Are you angry with her to specifically do what she's asked you not to do, giving her as the reason why?
If I remember correctly, you always did have worries about graduating and being a grownup in the real world, with all sorts of expectations? If so, I can understand that. Is it possible your eating is designed to take your mind off these fears? Or to make sure that people still take care of you because you aren't ready to be a grownup in the real world?
I'm not saying it's so. I was just wondering if you'd thought about it.
You know that I care about you. So I want what's best for you. I'm actually feeling a bit angry. I'm not going to praise you for your self control in doing something that I'm sure you as well as I know is not good for you. No reputable diet in the world is going to suggest that you eat four pickles and some egg and cheese. Yet you seem to me to be presenting it as a good thing, something you think others will be pleased for you by. Do you honestly think others will be pleased for you for starving yourself? Or concerned? Or do you think the responses may be other than the ones you wish for? If so, have you wondered what it is you are hoping to accomplish?
I do care about you, Deneb. But I sort of feel like your pdoc in that it might be encouraging to you if I engaged with you overmuch over this.
Posted by Glydin50 on September 23, 2010, at 10:16:57
In reply to Re: I finally stopped eating! » Deneb, posted by Dinah on September 23, 2010, at 10:01:50
Deneb, I have the same concerns and quiestions as Dinah. The last thing I want to do is feel I am contributing or, on some level, enabling an untoward and unhealthy behavior. I encourage you to deeply explore your plans, thoughts and feelings w/ your pdoc.
We have had our differences over some things but it is always my wish for your best, most stable and healthy status.
Posted by Deneb on September 23, 2010, at 12:41:08
In reply to Re: I finally stopped eating! » Deneb, posted by Dinah on September 23, 2010, at 10:01:50
I really am afraid that pdoc will think I am fat. She even said I could lose a few pounds. It is kind of irrational I know. I just don't want to be labeled as overweight. I think I want to impress pdoc with my willpower, even though I realize she would be more impressed by me facing the world and starting my career. I am facing the world now though. I have an employment specialist working to help me now.
I am afraid of getting out into the "real world" and growing up. I also feel out of control right now and controlling my eating makes me feel better.
As to posting about my ultra low calorie diet here, sometimes I think that people will support me and be happy for me that I have so much willpower. I'm also just posting for my own information. I find this thread very useful in figuring about what I did on a certain date. It is my journal.
Pdoc didn't say don't lose weight, she just told me not to go overboard with the restricting because it will lead to binging and I will gain weight. I'm also not going to restrict to 300 kcal for the long term. I know that would be crazy and if I did that I would eventually die. I just want to restrict a lot for 5 days so I can make up for the huge binges I did in 5 days.
I'm also a really confused person. I know rationally what the healthy way to loss weight is, but somehow I go back to the maladaptive ways. It is really messed up.
Posted by Dinah on September 23, 2010, at 23:02:46
In reply to Re: I finally stopped eating! » Dinah, posted by Deneb on September 23, 2010, at 12:41:08
From my observations, people aren't usually impressed by the willpower of people who do exactly what they requested them not to do. In fact, "willpower" isn't the term that usually springs to mind.
You weren't mad at her when she said you could lose a few pounds? I can see where it might be tempting to make her feel sorry she ever said that. Or maybe that's just me.
I think your friends will support you in your attempts to be healthy, and be very impressed with your efforts in that direction. I know I've been impressed by you in the past, and fully expect to be impressed in the future.
I'm glad you wen to see the employment specialist. Did you get any ideas as to how to put your degree to use?
Posted by Deneb on September 24, 2010, at 1:47:11
In reply to Re: I finally stopped eating! » Deneb, posted by Dinah on September 23, 2010, at 23:02:46
I wasn't angry at pdoc because she is right. I CAN stand to lose a few pounds. She just wants me to be healthy and I was getting overweight.
The problem with me and dieting is that it triggers the ED in me. It always starts out healthy, but soon things deteriorate.
I've been bad, today was day 2 of eating 300 kcal per day. Yesterday I ate about 250, today 316. I'm afraid to eat more.
I think my period is late. I was supposed to get it on the 20th. I'm way too fat for missed periods though, it must be from stress or something.
I've been bad. I've been feeding my unhealthy behaviours. I look at thinspiration several times a day. It helps me not eat.
I don't think pdoc is going to be pleased. I'm back to losing weight though. I was 116.6 pounds today.
Well, at least I'm working on getting a career. Maybe pdoc will overlook the bad things I did these two weeks and focus on the good things I did.
I'm feeling optimistic about this career counseling. I did my first homework today and see my counselor next Thurs. I have to do research on what I can do with my degree.
Posted by Deneb on September 24, 2010, at 17:55:22
In reply to Losing weight again, posted by Deneb on September 24, 2010, at 1:47:11
My weight loss is still going well but I'm not doing it in a very healthy way. All I had today was 2 cups of coffee. I will have 2 zucchini later and maybe a low fat turkey sausage.
It's interesting to note that the less I eat, the less appetite I have. I feel really in control right now.
I know I can't do this forever, but I am still far far far from underweight so it is OK for now. I will need to go on a healthy eating plan once I get down to 90 pounds. I'm really hoping I will be thin enough at 90 pounds because that is the lowest healthy weight for me.
I'm so short however, that I may need to weigh less to look thin. I think I will weight train and build up muscle when I get to 90 pounds so that I can get thinner without losing weight. Maybe I will even gain weight.
As always, I am taking my vitamins, minerals and fish oil daily so I will not get malnourished.
I think I am finally seeing a bit of progress on my belly fat. It is still unsightly, but I *think* it may be getting smaller. I know I need to be rid of this belly fat.
It is just amazing how much fat I have at this weight. I must have been huge at 132. I seriously have a lot of back fat and my legs and arms are way thick. I really hope I don't have to lose too much weight to look thin enough. I don't want to be unhealthy.
I thought I was going to see pdoc on Tues, but it was my mistake, it's Weds. I hope pdoc will be pleased that I am no longer obese.
She will not be pleased with my 300 kcal/day diet though. She thinks 1000 kcal/day is too low! I will increase my calories once I make up for my binges. I seriously ate like close to 3000 kcal on my 5 binge days.
My average daily calorie counts are way high right now. I need to get them down.
Posted by Deneb on September 25, 2010, at 4:44:05
In reply to Weight loss is going well, posted by Deneb on September 24, 2010, at 17:55:22
I just read about a woman who has heart damage from having anorexia even though she is normal weight now.
I've been assuming that the body won't turn to the heart muscle for fuel unless all your fat stores are gone. Is this true? It just doesn't make sense for the body to use the heart as fuel when there is still so much fat!
I know I don't have anorexia, but I am eating like one temporarily.
Posted by Deneb on September 25, 2010, at 7:33:02
In reply to Scared now, don't want to die!, posted by Deneb on September 25, 2010, at 4:44:05
Instead of 5 days at 350 kcal and less, I decided to only do 3 days. I didn't sleep today and the hunger was unbearable. I ate 186g sweet potato, but 20 mins after eating it I got hungry again. So then I ate 188g barley and 126g turkey sausage. So far today I've had 628 kcal. I think I am finally satisfied. I will try hard to stay under 1000 kcal today and exercise at the Y today.
People fast for days at a time with no harm done so I'm sure eating less than 350 kcal for 3 days is not going to harm me. I need to think rationally about things and not let my hypochondria get the best of me.
Posted by Deneb on September 25, 2010, at 16:27:55
In reply to NVM OK now, posted by Deneb on September 25, 2010, at 7:33:02
I was being frustrating last session and deluding myself that I was doing CR. I kept telling pdoc she was wrong. I should just trust her. I know she has my best interests at heart and she knows me well.
I was just awful.
Pdoc is right, I'm probably on my way to developing bulimia again. Seems like this time I don't really purge, but restrict instead.
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