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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by susan47 on December 16, 2007, at 12:35:18
"They" say that we do our best work after we have made a written commitment to do so. Here now my own work, my desire stated without attachment, Without Attachment, my desire is to heal myself. Using Reiki, Silva, Chanting, and any and every other means which rings true to my heart, using Nature, using God, using Energy, using every brain cell and atom of my being, I commit myself to Healing.
Posted by susan47 on December 16, 2007, at 12:37:12
In reply to A Statement, A Mission, A Purpose, posted by susan47 on December 16, 2007, at 12:35:18
And then, and in doing so, my life will be lived. Lived with Love.
Posted by damos on December 16, 2007, at 15:02:43
In reply to Re: A Statement, A Mission, A Purpose, posted by susan47 on December 16, 2007, at 12:37:12
To become. To be. To live true to one's own heart. That sounds like a truly wonderful thing to aspire to Susan.
I'm sorry this has been so very painful, and for the way you're feeling about yourself. Please know that is not who I see. Is not who I have ever seen. My dear friend Susan, is a warm, kind, loving, giving person. A vibrant, intensely passionate, fun person who wants to live her life with her entire being. She has great depth and a good heart.
I know how important this is to you, and in my heart of hearts I know you can get there.
Love,
Damos
Posted by susan47 on December 16, 2007, at 20:43:45
In reply to Re: A Statement, A Mission, A Purpose » susan47, posted by damos on December 16, 2007, at 15:02:43
It all sounds so great, doesn't it Damos? It all sounds good, and then I think about how my ex-T feels about me and I want to kill myself. I can't do that, I have a family, children who depend on me, an ex who needs me to support him too.
Damos, my life sucks so badly right now I can't even describe the feeling. Like being in a pit, like dying, like living death, so sad, so much horrible sadness but I can't be living that anymore, I can't be thinking or feeling that, I can't pick up the phone and dial, I can't get any Relief anywhere, I have done everything in my life Wrong.
What I want is not that. What I want is to change All of That. What I want is to live with Joy.
Where is joy?
Posted by Toph on December 17, 2007, at 13:01:29
In reply to Re: A Statement, A Mission, A Purpose, posted by susan47 on December 16, 2007, at 20:43:45
I am incompetent at giving sage advice that would magically end your suffering Susan. And no one has been where you have been though we have felt what you have felt. Maybe I shared this story with you years ago, but your anguish conjures up these memories. I am reminded of that night when I discovered my wife, the mother of my 5-year old son and 2-year old daughter, was sleeping with another man - when she was not just tired of me, but rather had stopped loving me, completely and irretrieviably stopped, dead. I remember having to leave my children, my home, our home, because it was foolish to think that I could get custody having been hospitalized several times with mania. I feel that pain, the sense of failure, the shame, the contempt, the rage. But I survived, my kids survived with wounds more superficial than I had feared. They even came to live with me when it became their choice at 13. I harbored fantasies about reconciling for years with this woman. I learned that it was not because I loved her so much but because I somehow thought I could erase those painful memories if we were a family again. She means almost nothing to me now. We're cordial when we see each other infrequently. But in dark moments when I think of what might have been had I only not been sick, been nicer, made more money, dressed better, whatever, I feel the hurt, the anger, the rejection, the guilt. Some fires never go out.
Posted by susan47 on December 17, 2007, at 19:20:52
In reply to Re: the Journey » susan47, posted by Toph on December 17, 2007, at 13:01:29
It's unbelievable how we let others' opinions of us run us down. It's unbelievable that we do this to ourselves, that we spend so much energy in anguish and frustration and feeling bad, feeling dreadful, hurt and regret and rage and so many negative things, when Peace is only a Thought away. That's what's so unbelievable about all of this. Why am I doing this to myself, why did I do this to myself, why do I hate myself to So Much? What is it about me that is so unforgivable, so ugly, so bad? Why am I so bad? Why, why do I feel like this about myself, why do I let the thought of what I loved about him, what i loved to see in him, make me feel like a piece of dirt?
And then the thing that years from now, even days from now, even tomorrow .. what if he meant Nothing to me then? What was my life all about?
So silly, can you Imagine feeling this way about your Therapist, I mean, how Stupid Is That?
And I feel so bad and I have to start feeling good about my life, feeling good about making some changes.
Posted by susan47 on December 18, 2007, at 22:59:14
In reply to Re: the Journey » susan47, posted by Toph on December 17, 2007, at 13:01:29
"But in dark moments when I think of what might have been had I only not been sick, been nicer, made more money, dressed better, whatever, I feel the hurt, the anger, the rejection, the guilt. Some fires never go out."
This is true, Toph, or it seems so. This is the feeling of regret I get that makes me want to die, want to escape the pain of what i've done with my life, which is fricking nothing, it feels like nothing, when i was given so much opportunity when i was born, i know it was there I know i came into this world with gifts, and they were all torn away from me because i was too stressed with trying to live in a world that hated me, my own family just Hated me. You have no idea, no one who hasn't lived that has any idea what that might be like. How it can affect someone.
Sorry to change this and make it about me, but it has to come out. The feelings of hatred i had, and the feelings of guilt about being german when most north americans hated germans after the war ... having to live through that as a kid, have it coming at me on top of my own family's anger expressed towards us, was unbelievable unless you've been there. Lots of kids have been there. Lots of people walking around are hurt and scarred, and it makes me so angry that the people that don't have that hurt against them, judge those of us who do, and have tried to do the best we could, knowing that it wasn't good enough even for ourselves.
Who am I speaking for? Who am I speaking about? Who is this "we"? I feel really alone in this, but I know somewhere in this world, everywhere really, there are people who couldn't deal with this, whose minds weren't strong enough to fight back against all the prejudice against them, and they crumbled, and I know I've crumbled in the past, all my life my entire Life I have crumbled, and I don't want to do that anymore.
We choose people who do this to us in our adult lives, we choose to be around people so we can play those themes back and change the story. But it's fake, it's false, it isn't real. The only thing stopping us is our wrong sense of reality, that we really Are smart, and strong, and wealthy beyond measure in our hearts and souls, we Are Not Sick, we are not unsuccessful, we are not flawed .. what we are, Toph, is extremely sensitive people being subjected to too much stress, having been subjected to that from so young an age and taking it all onto ourselves, the little sponges that we were, we continued to be.
I don't know about you, but I couldn't even read a sentence straight in a book and completely understand it .. can you imagine, I have read hundreds of books in my life and really deeply grasped very little of any of them, for years I read without comprehending properly. I don't know how I managed to get even through Grade 12. I know it shows, I know my lack of education has stopped me, but more than that the Reason for that lack of education, is the fundamental belief I always had that I wasn't good enough. Drilled into me, darling, drilled.
Drill me, baby.
F*ck you.
Not you, Toph. Not you. The horrible people who Don't Understand. Them. F*ck them.
Posted by Toph on December 19, 2007, at 11:56:29
In reply to Ranting Again, because it's True Damn it. » Toph, posted by susan47 on December 18, 2007, at 22:59:14
Yeah, f*ck them, Susan.
I hate arrogant people who judge others. F*ck them. But it's really healthier to ignore them, pity them. It's also important not to blame them totally for our weaknesses. We are largely responsible for our own sensitivity because of our defective genes, our dysfunctional environments, our self-destructive tendencies or other crap that life has laid upon us. But the Pollyanna in me tells me that it ironically has also been a gift to be f*cked up. My troubled clients seem more comfortable with me than my colleages, I have a real hard time hating anyone when everyone else seems so adept at hating, and I have this crazy notion that something good is going to happen to me someday or that somehow this suffering that others have been spared will all make sense to me somehow.
You've been stuck in this quicksand for quite a while now Susan. We keep trying to throw you a line but nothing seems to get you out. It even seems as if some of your own struggling to get unstuck has gotten you in deeper. Still, I see you freeing yourself some day. You are too damn tough to just quit.
Posted by susan47 on December 22, 2007, at 8:04:19
In reply to because it's True Damn it. » susan47, posted by Toph on December 19, 2007, at 11:56:29
Well, now.
Surprise.
I feel Over ... all done, and what a relief. I forgave myself somehow when I realized what a stuck person my therapist is. I forgave myself when I went into meditation, somehow, and I forgave myself when I spoke with a very true and trusted and wise friend, someone who knows things most of us wouldn't understand.
Hey.
Toph.
Guess what? I went into a daily drug addiction program last year. Which made me more depressed about myself, even though I managed to stay off mj for three months, I was still the same, the very same emotional wreck that I was going into the program as I was coming out. Which is why I went back to smoking.
But now things are really truly healing, through all the support I found myself, I found it Alone, I went out there and said f*ck it, I will NOT kill myself because no matter what a f*ck-up I am, my kids and all the people who knew me would truly be devastated, because they somehow don't always see the same f*ck-up of a person I felt. And their lives would be harder somehow, because of the pain I put them through. So I can't do that, somehow I cannot bring myself to do that and still, I take my vitamins and care for myself because I really don't want to be decrepit, so there is something there. Some life force that says no, you have to Stick With It and even if you need the mj right now, if that is what it takes to stop you from killing yourself, then you will give it up when the time is right, I Trust myself. I quite for 90 days, I can quit for 100, or 101, or whatever I want to.
So I realize now, that the addiction program I was on and All addiction programs, will do nothing to get to the root of the problem unless they reveal and heal the Pain that caused it. because I don't give a sh*t what anyone says, addiction is more than genes. Addiction equals Pain, and unless that pain is healed, the addiction will be a struggle .. no struggle if you give in either, that's when the pain has won. So my pain never did win. It just seemed to, for a long time.
I hope this makes sense.
Thanks if you read it.
Hey, Toph. Merry Christmas. I hope you bring all your loved ones and friends around you and celebrate their being in your life. MMMMMWAH. xoxoxox
Posted by Toph on December 22, 2007, at 16:11:00
In reply to Hey, Toph. Hellloooo out there. » Toph, posted by susan47 on December 22, 2007, at 8:04:19
Boy, am I glad you didn't decide to bite the big one. As you know I'm a selfish dude, and even though your kids and everyone else (a considerable number) would be really upset, then I would have no one here I can really talk to as openly as I can with you. It's really nice to hear you talking positive. I was getting kind of bummed with you bashing yourself so much. And I can think of no one on earth I would rather roll up a fatty and stare at the Christmas lights with than you. Imagine the stuff we would talk about and wonder what the hell we were thinking the next day. I have to go to a lame Christmas party tonight and when I'm bored to tears I'm going to think of you and a smile will appear on my face. Have a Merry Christmas, Susan. I wish Gracie were here to wish you the same. Toph
Posted by susan47 on December 22, 2007, at 21:50:02
In reply to Re: Hey, Toph. Hellloooo out there. » susan47, posted by Toph on December 22, 2007, at 16:11:00
I went to a Christmas Party a couple of weeks ago thinking I would have a sad, shy, dreadful time, and surprise I didn't, although they are never my favourite thing. I end up usually having fun, especially if I, in my shallowness, know I look Good. That is important, and one of the reasons I get down, when I stop understanding how to sparkle and shine, sparkle and shine, and look nice. I forgot that but I'm getting it back again, my ex-T gave it back to me then took it away, not knowing and not understanding the import of the relationship I had with him in therapy, he was full of fear and insecurity and pomposity, he was very Stuck. Completely not understanding or seeing or feeling, not able to handle that which needed to be handled with compassion and understanding, and honesty. Terrible, just really awful, and now all I can think is, thank god I am okay again. Please let it stay that way. And I pray to god he has grown into a better therapist, a better person, and out of his anger and misunderstanding and impatience. And I can forgive both of us, even though he may never feel the need to be forgiven. I'll give it to him anyway. It isn't his fault if he is blind, he wouldn't deliberately hurt anyone. I have to heal, I have to heal. I choose it, and wellbeing for everyone.
So now, have fun Toph, and thank you so so very very very much for being one of the very few people on Babble who really cared and understood me, or at least had the patience to stick with me. I'll likely never meet you IRL but it was really Special to have you here as a friend. I hope we can continue to support each other, I hope we can give each other new ways of looking at life.
PS I am very ignorant but unless you are George, I don't know who Gracie is, love.
Mwah,
Susan
> Boy, am I glad you didn't decide to bite the big one. As you know I'm a selfish dude, and even though your kids and everyone else (a considerable number) would be really upset, then I would have no one here I can really talk to as openly as I can with you. It's really nice to hear you talking positive. I was getting kind of bummed with you bashing yourself so much. And I can think of no one on earth I would rather roll up a fatty and stare at the Christmas lights with than you. Imagine the stuff we would talk about and wonder what the hell we were thinking the next day. I have to go to a lame Christmas party tonight and when I'm bored to tears I'm going to think of you and a smile will appear on my face. Have a Merry Christmas, Susan. I wish Gracie were here to wish you the same. Toph
Posted by Toph on December 23, 2007, at 19:58:49
In reply to Don't be Bored, Toph, Have Fun.. Laugh » Toph, posted by susan47 on December 22, 2007, at 21:50:02
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050118/msgs/454543.html
Posted by susan47 on December 24, 2007, at 21:27:15
In reply to AdaGrace silly, posted by Toph on December 23, 2007, at 19:58:49
> http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050118/msgs/454543.html
Of course, how could I? Of course, Ada Grace the magnificent, where is this magnificent woman so unafraid to love, once? I hope she is once again fearless in loving and desiring, approval and acceptance of her wonderful self, and forgetful of the idiot who rejected her desire, who was not able to take what she could give. Hah. Gracie should be here.
Posted by susan47 on January 25, 2008, at 18:49:14
In reply to Re: A Statement, A Mission, A Purpose, posted by susan47 on December 16, 2007, at 20:43:45
This book has a lot to teach, and I guess I have a lot of lessons to learn.
But it's great, it's wonderful, it gives hope like so many people give hope to so many others, and I'm grateful for that.
I have a lot of things to do, changes to make, personal challenges to meet, and I hope I can do that, I want to do it.
It feels alien to talk like this.
I'm afraid I might regret it, later.
It seems too unlike me, too hopeful.
I know the mood will pass.
I don't want it to pass, though. I want it to stay Forever. If it can't stay always, like that, this feeling I have, then I want more of it, and I want to remember the state of mind that brought on my feeling. Too bad it involved a drug.
And THAT is the monkey that has to come off my back.
Posted by susan47 on January 25, 2008, at 18:50:16
In reply to ''Undoing Depression'', posted by susan47 on January 25, 2008, at 18:49:14
This is the end of the thread.
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